It’s not her fault… or his
75 percent of women can’t achieve orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex alone. In other words, if a woman is “getting off,” it’s usually before the penis goes in or after it’s pulled out, with a helping hand or tongue.
No one seems exactly sure why this is. It’s a frustrating mystery no “sex”pert has been able to solve.
Others have blamed men — not enough foreplay, not enough after play, not gentle enough, not hard enough, not fast enough, not slow enough…
Practitioners of tantra say men just don’t last long enough. If they could learn “edging” and ejaculation control, she’d have time to “get there.” I’m a personal fan of this theory, but a lot of women say intercourse doesn’t do much for them no matter how long it lasts and can even get uncomfortable or painful if it lasts too long.
Others have given up, saying vaginal orgasms just don’t exist, so we should just forget about them and focus on the clitoris. This poor, bitter woman is among countless millions who’ve settled on the belief men and women weren’t meant to enjoy sex simultaneously — foreplay is for her and intercourse is for him.
Vaginal orgasms are not a myth
To me, this is tragic. I know for a fact vaginal orgasms are real. I’ve experienced at least a dozen firsthand.
The trouble is it took me over 30 years to have a really good one, and, like I said, I’ve only had about a dozen. Apparently it takes men a ton of work to give them to me, and I’ve found them nearly impossible to give myself.
In the last couple of years since my first unmistakable cervical orgasm, I’ve become obsessed with telling my friends the good news. But the more I tried to explain how I did it — something I didn’t quite understand myself — the more frustrated they would get. “We’ve tried all that… it isn’t working,” they’d say.
This can’t be right, I thought. It shouldn’t be this hard. Something is missing.
Now would be a good time to explain how I got my first cervical orgasm. I’m polyamorous and in an open relationship. I started having sex with my roommate Ben almost two years ago. Of the 10 guys I’ve had sex with, he had one thing the rest didn’t – a partial foreskin.
It’s a piece of the puzzle I didn’t put together until recently. He told me a long time ago he’d attempted something called foreskin restoration.
It’s a process in which circumcised men can “regrow” their foreskins by using a little device that stretches the shaft skin down over the head of the penis. Over the course of a year or two, the stretching process stimulates new skin growth until a new “foreskin” is formed (minus the tens of thousands of nerve endings cut off at birth).
Ben had only used the stretcher for two or three months, so while the head of his penis is not covered, his penile skin is noticeably looser than that of any other man I’ve ever encountered (except one time with an intact man, but he used a condom, so it was essentially no different from circumcised sex).
I remember wondering in the beginning if Ben’s extra skin contributed to my newfound ability to cervically orgasm. Now I know it almost certainly did.
Sex As Nature Intended It
I stayed up all night reading it in tears. I’ve known about and written about the general horrors of circumcision for several years, but didn’t realize how deep a divide it’s created in American marriages and relationships since it became the norm here about 75 years ago.
“There is something missing in millions of bedrooms across America —” the book begins. “A necessary part of human sexuality from the beginning, yet, incredibly, its importance has been completely overlooked.”
“For too many women, the lure of would-be delicious sex often turns out a disappointment that leaves them hungering for something more,” author Kristen O’Hara writes.
“Men too have been left wanting for something seemingly out of reach … in a survey of over 52,000 men … 55 percent said they were dissatisfied with their sex lives and 39 percent admitted to various problems such as disinterest in sex. Others said they had relatively good sex but complained ‘it’s not all it’s cracked up to be’ and wonder ‘if they are missing something.‘”
According to O’Hara, they definitely are.
If you don’t have time for the whole book, I highly recommend checking out her website SexAsNatureIntendedIt.com, which explains the mechanics of circumcised versus “natural” sex. Warning: Not Suitable Work. The website includes sexual photos and video demonstrations. Here’s a summary:
Top 10 Ways Circumcised Sex Hurts Women:
1. Without the foreskin to cushion it, the coronal ridge hook of the penis scrapes vaginal walls, creating soreness.
2. Without the foreskin to seal off the opening to the vagina, the coronal hook drags out its lubrication.
3. The circumcised man’s elongated thrusting style also dries out vaginal lubrication. (Great video on this one.)
4. The circumcised penis’s non-movable shaft skin creates friction, while the natural penis’s gliding mechanism (the foreskin) is “God’s gift to women.”
5. The circumcised penis head and shaft become abnormally hard when erect because too much swollen tissue is packed into too little skin, making the woman feel like she’s being “poked with a broomstick,” rather than “gently caressed” by the softer, more flexible intact penis.
6. Because of decreased sensitivity (missing nerve endings in foreskin and calloused nerve endings in the head) circumcised men have to use a rough, pounding or “banging” thrusting style to excite themselves enough to reach orgasm. This starts out as uncomfortable or painful for women and eventually turns into numbness. (Great video on this one.)
7. Elongated strokes create infrequent clitoris contact, while the pubic mound of the intact man stays in almost constant contact.
8. Out-of-sync thrusting rhythm frustrates her from achieving orgasm. The foreskin helps regulate ideal, consistent thrusting tempo.
9. Circumcised sex lessens feelings of love. The longer a couple can “ride the waves” of orgasm, the more oxytocin they create, causing them to feel bonded and deeply in love. Without these hormones, the woman becomes frustrated, nagging or “bitchy” toward her mate, subconsciously blaming him for not meeting her needs.
10. Circumcised sex can ruin the relationship. O’hara believes one day circumcision will be acknowledged as a huge factor in our country’s high divorce rate, which is twice that of Europe’s, where men are not circumcised.
Medieval Jewish Philosopher Moses Maimondes seemed to understand how circumcision harmed human bonding 1000 years ago:
“It is hard for a woman with whom an uncircumcised man has had sexual intercourse to separate from him. In my opinion, this is the strongest of the reasons for circumcision.”
Here, O’Hara gives a more concise overview of how circumcision harms men.
American Obstruction of European Studies
A Danish study with over 5000 participants showed circumcision makes it significantly harder for both men and women to orgasm:
“Circumcised men reported orgasm difficulties much more frequently … women with circumcised spouses reported considerably more sexual trouble and considerably less sexual needs fulfillment than women with uncircumcised spouses,” says Dr. Morten Frisch in the video below.
While Frisch and his colleagues had no problem getting three other studies on sexual dysfunction published in prestigious American journals, the fourth, which included circumcision as a factor, was blacklisted:
Happy Ending – Foreskin Restoration
I’m glad I got to the end of the book or I probably would’ve been stuck in a depressed stupor. In the last chapter O’Hara tells her personal story, which inspired her research.
It was during the sexual revolution of the 1960s that she began a 15-year affair with an intact, married man named Tom. A year or so into the affair, she got into another relationship with a circumcised man named Mike, whom she was hoping she could settle down with, since Tom wasn’t available.
Having sex with both men over the course of the following year gave her the unique opportunity to compare and contrast circumcised and “natural” sex:
“With Tom, the natural man, sex was passionate, gentle, softly-smooth and sensuous … I truly wanted it to go on forever and would beg him for more, more, more. Too much was never enough. He knew the exact thrusting rhythms to use, bringing me to indescribable heights of passion and pleasure. Every cell of my body filled with desire and ecstasy when we touched. I constantly daydreamed about our next rendezvous …
Sex with Mike, the circumcised man, was considerably less pleasurable. His penis felt much too hard and his thrusting was uncomfortably ‘bang-away.’ Our thrusting rhythms were completely out of sync. I always had to tell him, ‘please don’t do it that way — do it this way.’ This frustrated me [and probably him] to no end … he didn’t seem to be able to get it right no matter how many times I mentioned it — what was pleasing for him wasn’t pleasing for me. We were obviously having two separate experiences, his and mine. It lacked a feeling of unison … a complete lack of connectedness …
With Tom … it was an experience of mutual pleasuring … giving and receiving simultaneously …
At the time, I had no idea my sexual attitude toward Mike was related to his surgically altered penis. I thought it was because I was in love with Tom and not in love with Mike. It never occurred to me it could be the penis, not the man.”
Over the next couple of years, she had short-term sexual encounters with several circumcised men and two more intact men before meeting her future husband Jeff.
Jeff was circumcised, but she had “never met anyone quite as wonderful.”
O’Hara realized she would have to end her affair with Tom to make a life with Jeff, but was still “painfully in love with him.”
On their honeymoon, Jeff wanted to have sex around every bend in the river on a canoeing trip.
“It suddenly struck me that I’d just made a permanent commitment to him. Although he was the greatest person I’d ever met … there was something about his sexing I didn’t quite like. It just wasn’t the same as it had been with Tom.”
She tried to put it out of her mind, but sensed that “something was fundamentally wrong.”
“The feeling of oneness was somewhere out of reach.”
Even though she was able to achieve regular orgasms “they had an edge of frustration in the build-up” and “weren’t truly satisfying.”
“They provided physical relief, but it was ‘on the surface’ relief, not connected to the depths of my inner being … My attitude after sex was ‘well, we got that out of the way — that should hold me for a few days.”
“As time went by, I began to comprehend the meaning of the word forever … I began to resent his inability to give me the kind of sexing I intensely craved and fantasized about.”
A few years into the marriage, she began seeing Tom again.
“I couldn’t help myself — I absolutely could not resist him … He was a magnet and I was steel.”
O’Hara said she loved everything about Tom, while she became increasingly irritable toward her husband. But in retrospect, she realized it was the penis, not the man, that made the difference.
About 10 years into her marriage, she developed vaginismus, a condition where the vaginal muscles clamp up and make it virtually impossible for the penis to enter.
Although vaginismus is typically attributed to trauma such as childhood molestation or rape, O’Hara believes circumcised sex itself can become a sort of trauma — a repetitive “assault” on the vaginal walls. Over time, she believes the vaginal muscles “remember” and recognize the “abuse” they are about to receive and close up to prevent it.
Suspecting circumcision was to blame, she called Tom to test her theory. After a split-second wince, her vagina “recognized” Tom’s penis and accepted it easily and eagerly. She was now certain circumcision was the culprit.
Shortly after her condition was diagnosed, Jeff came across an article on foreskin restoration. They decided it could be the solution their problem and Jeff had his foreskin surgically restored.
After he healed, their sex was immediately exponentially better and progressively even better as the head regained its soft suppleness from its new protective covering. Over time, her vaginismus completely disappeared and their sex life together became “totally fabulous.”
Our Own Happy Ending… Or New Beginning
After my sobs of despair turned to sobs of relief and joy, I read all the highlights of the book to the love of my life — the father of my child and my life partner of seven years — Brad.
We’ve talked about foreskin restoration before, and even bought a device a couple of years ago, but the process was such a pain, it got put on the back burner.
The book has triggered all kinds of uncomfortable realizations and emotions for Brad and I over the last few days, but the case for restoration is so compelling, we can’t ignore it any longer.
With tears flooding back into my eyes, I am so happy to say my best friend is in the process of restoring our love life to its full potential.