The Future

no-diamond-ringPeople keep asking what I want out of potential new relationships – where I want them to go. I have no idea, I answer.

They seem disappointed. I’m not sure what they want me to say, but it seems like they want something specific like – “I’m looking for a one night stand” or “I’m looking for someone else to grow old with” or “I’m looking for someone to cuddle with when my boyfriend doesn’t feel like it.”

Seriously, I’m not looking for anything specific – just connections to other human beings – emotional and physical, long-term and short-term and medium term. I’m excited to cross paths with all kinds of people and to experience life in someway with all of them. I’m excited to have them teach me something about myself and help make me a more balanced, well-rounded person.

I’m doing my best to have no expectations and no regrets.

I’m planning my second date with my shy Southern friend this week. I almost didn’t have the energy to make it happen. “What’s the point?” I started to ask myself tonight. I hardly know anything about him and it’s such an investment of time to get to know someone. What if I put in all that time and find out we have no connection, no chemistry? Or worse, what if he’s a serial killer? Or… what if he’s great and we do connect? What if we have a lot in common and really start to like each other? What if our connection is so magical, we want to start spending lots of time together? We can’t do that, I thought. I have a child, and it might hurt Brad’s feelings.

Whew… but then I took a deep breath… we talked about this at our poly book club today. Mine and Brad’s relationship is not necessarily more important than or “primary” to any other potential relationship that comes into either or both or our lives. It just happened to occur first, and it just happened to result in a child that we are both committed to caring for. We also happen to run a business together. It’s really Brad’s business, but because I was here and without a job when he started it, it has ended up that I spend a lot of time working with him.

We have a 5-year history together, and that makes us feel close, important to one another. But if we’re really going to do this polyamory thing wholeheartedly, we have to be open to the chance that we will become just as intimate with and trusting of other partners as well. We may even end up spending more time with other people than we do with each other. Of course that all seems scary at first, but only because all change seems scary at first.

When we were monogamous, our future seemed pretty thoroughly mapped out and set in stone – have a baby, get a better job, buy a house, get a promotion, buy a better car, start our own business, buy a better house, make more money, go on vacation, make more money, buy an even better house, grow old in it together. What else did we have to look forward to? We definitely weren’t allowed to take notice of any fascinating new men or women we met along our way.

Since we’ve discovered polyamory, we don’t care so much about new houses or new cars or vacations. What really makes us tick is the idea of falling in love, over and over and over again… the sense of adventure and excitement at the thought of the unknown, the possibility of new romance and relationships around every corner. We feel alive again. We feel free.

“Every person is so unique – the more contacts, intimacies, love affairs you have, the richer you will be.” ~ Osho




  1. […] spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what I want out of polyamory. I think I’ve gotten one step closer by ruling out one thing I don’t […]

  2. […] third date – which was planned after what seemed like much reluctance on his part, maybe from lack of clearly stated intentions on my part – I just came out and said – “Matthew, I want to know what it feels  like to […]

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