I’ve spent two nights in the guest bed, and I plan to spend a third in it tonight. If Brad or I are ever mad enough to sleep in separate rooms, we usually end up back together by morning. We’re both pretty codependent, so we need reassurance we haven’t been abandoned.
Nothing out of the ordinary happened to make me mad. I’m just changing and not willing to put up with behavior I used to put up with, like random outbursts of rage and blame, and ongoing lack of love and affection.
I’ve been listening to a lot of spiritual and psychological self-help teachers lately and am noticing dysfunctional interactions between us I never paid attention to before.
We’ve had an unhealthy relationship since the beginning. We were both “lost and insecure” (the song lyric Brad jokingly used to sing about us) when we met. And then we got pregnant.
We’ve both come a long way in the last 6.5 years, as far as self-discovery and self-growth. And for the most part, we’re pretty compatible as friends and life partners.
But something is missing, and polyamory hasn’t filled the void. It’s only made the void more apparent.
I need intimacy, vulnerability and understanding. I need care, consideration and generosity. I need affection, warmth and unconditional love. I also need erotic love. I need a partner who’s interested in deeper, spiritual things.
I’ve known this for a long time, and have come close to breaking it off with him on multiple occasions. But I never followed through because… I’m codependent.
I want to say I stay for my daughter’s sake, but the truth is I’ve never felt whole as a person. The idea of ripping myself away from my primary attachment figure made me feel like I’d die.
My guru Teal Swan said if the thought of breaking up makes us feel like we’re going to die, we aren’t ready yet, and that’s ok. This was reassuring to hear a few months ago, when I tried to make my getaway but chickened out.
Teal’s videos are what created my desire for separation in the first place, especially this one:
In a vision, Teal’s spirit guide takes her to a dried up watering hole:
“People keep waiting for the watering hole to fill up with water,” he says. “When that doesn’t work, they try to get it to produce more water. When that doesn’t work, they try to become water, so they can drink themselves. When that doesn’t work, they decide they are not meant to have water.”
“Only instead of water, their need is intimate companionship.”
“And not once have they considered leaving the watering hole in search of one that has water.”
“Do yourself a favor – go to a new goddamn watering hole.”
Swan says we all have needs we can’t meet on our own, like the need for connection. “We live in hell trying to deny having those needs or trying to get them met by people who don’t want to meet them,” she says.
I don’t want to live in hell anymore. So, I’m officially on the lookout for a new goddamn watering hole(s).