I wrote my last couple of posts (here and here) from a place of sexual scarcity (which is the state I now believe long-term monogamy will lead most people to). But since then – in the last seven days – I have satisfied all my sexual longings (at least for the moment) with the help of three men. I don’t know, maybe I was too indulgent, but often, when we feel like we’re starving, we scarf down the sugary chocolate cake as if it were our last meal.
About a week ago, I made a second out-of-town trip to see Clark. Also coming from a place of near sexual starvation, he and I made love six ways from Sunday. In the course of 24 hours, we alternated between passionate, sometimes almost meditative sex; deep, meaningful conversations; lighthearted, fun conversations; meals together; and quiet time together listening to music or the Epic of Gilgamesh.
By about our third sexual interaction that night, he got me to a place of intense, prolonged orgasm. “I think if I keep working with you,” he said, “we can get it to last even longer.” AAAHHH! His words were like music to my ears. What kind of man says that? Or is so fascinated by the mystery of female orgasm that he wants to take the time to explore something like that? I guess one who sees you as a fresh, new discovery.
We shared lots of beautiful, intimate moments like that in my short time there – like when he gave me the chills simply by lightly running his fingers up and down my arms while I prepared dinner, when he cried after a particular sexual activity he’d never been allowed to enjoy, when he sang me to sleep, and when we sat on his back porch swing the next morning listening to the loud mating call of the circadas and watching the summer breeze in the trees – the music and dance of life.
I knew a second overnight trip, especially one where I didn’t rush home first thing the next morning, was a big pill for Brad to swallow. He was supportive, but feeling uneasy and unsettled about all the change and potential for more change. I told him I’d slow down for a while and go at his pace. But of course, four nights later, I got a text message from Shy Mountain Man, who only contacts me once or twice a month.
After our second date, a couple of weeks ago, I made my intentions clear to him. “I’m curious about casual sex,” I told him. I’d never had it before, and he seemed like a safe person to try it with – to test my feelings about it with. He admitted he’d had fantasies of “ripping my clothes off,” which made me laugh, coming from someone who’d seemed so painfully shy and emotionally stoic.
But, I guess my reassurance that I wasn’t looking for marriage or the first member of our polyamorous “tribe” emboldened him and made him less hesitant. It was the perfect storm on Saturday with Brad working at the same time my friend offered a babysitting trade. I asked Brad if it was ok for him to come over. He said fine, as long as he was gone before he got home.
After two glasses of wine and conversation that didn’t come easy, he finally moved closer to me on the couch. What started out as slow kissing quickly escalated into something that totally shocked and surprised me. Shy Mountain Man’s dominant alter ego came out, as he took charge of pleasing me from every angle he saw fit. He didn’t ask for consent for anything he did – in fact, he never said a word the entire time – he just read my body language and saw that I was reveling in the excitement of the novelty and heat of the moment, I guess. I admit, there were a couple of moments I got nervous – “wait, I don’t know this guy, I thought. What if he has some kind of PTSD and snaps on me or something?” But instead of letting my worries distract me, I just totally let go and gave in to the entire thrilling experience.
He’s only said three words to me since that night and I wouldn’t be surprised or concerned if I never heard from him again, although I wouldn’t mind it. But that’s what’s nice about connecting without attachment – intimacy without entanglement. There’s something freeing about it.
But then there’s something even more beautiful and wonderful about the safe, familiar, attached love I feel for Brad. However, I’ve never appreciated the beauty of our relationship to its fullest until now, now that I have both security and freedom. When we felt trapped and chained to each other, we couldn’t see it, we didn’t value what we had. Now, rather than looking for a way to escape, we are able to live fully in our moment-by-moment choice to be together. We are grateful for each moment, able to see our time together as a gift, not an entitlement. Well, that’s how I feel anyway, I shouldn’t speak for Brad.
Rather than subtract from our love life, our lust for new lovers, and potential new lovers, has renewed our lust for each other. I remember Brad watching me getting ready for my first date with Southern Mountain Man a few months ago. Something about it was a turn on for him, and we decided to make time for a quick roll in the hay before I left. And although it took him a couple of days to recover from the double shock of last week, this morning, Brad was inspired to take me to new heights of ecstasy.
It’s as if he and I had climbed three quarters of the way up the mountain of sexual awakening together in the first four years of our relationship, and then we got stuck, in a rut, just out of reach of the top. But today, we made a breakthrough. A much needed break from our daughter, who started her first day at summer camp today, gave us the time and space we needed – no hurry, no pressure, no stress. With unprecedented patience and determination, Brad pushed me right over the top of the mountain. Orgasm after orgasm, I kept expecting him to tire and stop. But each one grew in intensity, and he seemed to be enjoying the experiment, so I resigned myself to not feeling guilty about taking too much and living in heaven for as long as I could stand it.
“It’s like a drug without any negative side effects,” I tried to explain to him. My muscles that had been sore and stiff for days felt better than they had on Valium when I’d injured my back years ago. I was in a state of euphoria for hours.
Just like Osho said, now that my basic physical/sexual needs are being met and exceeded, now that I am no longer in a place of sexual hunger, now that I no longer feel repressed, I feel less obsessed. I feel like space has been freed up in my brain for more spiritual pursuits. I am seeing Brad in a whole new light. It’s like he’s glowing. It’s like he’s a god. He appears more handsome and attractive than ever before. I appreciate and value him more. I don’t know if he understands it or believes me yet, but it’s like I can see the divine in him and am able to love him more deeply and unconditionally.