Processing and Staying Strong

I’m so angry right now. I want to break things and then run away. I want to hurt him. I want to punish him.

Ok, the anger is dissipating. I already feel better, just typing that out.

Our friend, who is a therapist, was just here trying to facilitate an NVC conversation between us that blew up into blaming, name-calling and me running out the door screaming, swearing and crying.

I want to run to someone. Into someone’s arms. But I can’t think of anyone in this state whose arms I’d feel safe in.

I love sex, but that’s not what I need right now. I need someone without an agenda. I need someone who wants to love me with nothing in return.

I haven’t been loved unselfishly in so long, except by two men on the internet, who’ve always offered an ear and a virtual shoulder to cry on.

I want to give to someone who loves to give, not in exchange, but because we love seeing how happy it makes each other.

I want to love myself. I want to be with someone who loves himself. So we both have plenty to give and share.

I’ve been avoiding eye contact for three days. I’ve even refused “make-up” hugs and kisses (which I’ve never done before). I’m terrified of connecting with him in any way out of fear I’ll become weak and dependent on him again, out of fear that I’ll get attached again and won’t be able to leave.

I want to have interdependent relationships and healthy attachments to whole, healthy individuals. I want to be healthy and whole myself.

I want to get the time and distance and space I need to heal and get strong, so that I can eventually be in his presence without feeling weak and susceptible.

I want us to have a friendly, loving relationship for our daughter’s sake. I’m fearing it’s not possible, but hoping it is.

He’s home. I’m dreading seeing him. I’m dreading his ominous presence. I’m dreading the moment he decides he’s ready to talk.

I’m afraid being vulnerable with him and connecting to him will mean surrender to him. I don’t feel safe being vulnerable with him. Subconsciously he’ll use it to regain power over me. So I avoid him. I avoid him like the plague.

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