Permanence vs. Life

10592748_10155860729545106_5898038644028388505_nWoke up at 5, like I often do, and held on as tight as I could to Brad and Nora. Things are strange at 5 in the morning. Undistracted by the worries and chores of the day, I have a moment to put all of my focus into the things that matter – Brad and Nora. And all of our other relationships and potential relationships. And our supreme happiness.

Things have been going well between Brad and I for the last few days, and when things are going well, it creates a desire for permanence. This morning – like on our family date night several weeks ago – I wanted to hold on to everything, just the way it is. I wanted to keep the sun – and all the work that comes with it – down a little longer, and preserve the cozy, cuddly twilight with my two loves.

Maybe it’s because I sense change coming that I needed a moment of stillness and security. Nora’s starting Waldorf school in a couple of weeks, unless I panic and change my mind. She says she doesn’t want to go, but I think it’s because she’s afraid of change too. She might actually love it.

Also, I’ve noticed a conversation developing between Brad and a kind-of-local woman he met online. I’ve learned not to get too excited about these conversations, as the women usually get scared off after they sleep on the idea of polyamory for a few nights. I imagine, for many of them it’s a fantasy too scary to entertain in an unsupportive culture. Still, I keep hoping.

Either way, the important part is how much I love seeing the smile on Brad’s face as he’s typing to her. It’s like the smile I had on my face a few months back while I spent hours on end typing to and getting to know Clark – the kind of smile that tells me he’s not paying attention to the shopping and “To Do” lists I’m trying to get him to help me write, and that he’s not that concerned about the budget we were fighting about last week.

Why does it make me so happy? Two reasons. One, it’s way more fun living with a happy person than a bored, frustrated, grumpy person. Two, now he understands how I felt those first couple of months getting to know Clark – excited, on Cloud 9, young again, and… more in love with Brad. At least I think he understands. He’s been extra nice to and appreciative of me the last few days, and I have a woman I don’t even know to thank for that!

Clark and I were trying to come up with a name for it – reverse compersion, circular compersion, compersion all around? I don’t know. “New relationship energy” that benefits everyone involved?

Anyway, now that the sun is up, I’m done holding on to permanence, and ready for life again.

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