I’m alone tonight. And I’m ok with it.
Sure, I panicked for a split second when I realized I’d be spending the evening with me, myself and a 4-year-old… but I took a deep breath, let the momentary pangs of exclusion stab me, and reminded myself that alone time is good.
I’ve spent all week surrounded by friends, which is good, because I’m an extrovert. An old friend came to visit last night, and she and Ben and our friend Lori and I had the greatest time. And Ben and Lori and I continued the party all day today, while Brad worked the food truck. When we got home from dinner, Ben and Lori decided to go to the kava bar, and when Brad got home from work, he announced he had a last-minute date.
“Aw! Did you meet someone on the food truck today?” I asked excitedly.
“No f**cking way I’m telling you,” he said, not wanting to give me more fodder for my blog.
I typically press him for details, but I remembered something an older, wiser woman at a poly meetup told me once when I told her I was ok with Brad doing ANYTHING in the world, but that I just had this insatiable need to be “in the know” about it. “One day you won’t even need to know,” she said.
And she’s right. I think I’m finally there. I really don’t need to know where he is right now, what he’s doing, or with whom. For a moment I was desperate to know, but now I’m not. I really don’t care. I don’t! And it’s so freeing. I hope he’s having the time of his life. I hope he’s living it up! I hope he finds bliss and ecstasy and enlightenment and all the most beautiful things this world has to offer. I hope he gets it all. I want him to have it all.
He and I have been fighting lately – well, I guess for about five years now… or however long ago it was I had a baby, quit my job and became dependent upon him.
I was just talking to my friend Lori last night about how hard it is to keep the passion alive in a relationship in which the participants are dependent upon one another. Like Osho said, the dependency breeds resentment, because it represents lack of freedom, and people always resent that, whether they’re aware of it or not.
I often wonder how much the passion between Ben and I is helped by the fact that we are not financially enmeshed. Of course in a tribe everyone is interdependent, and even in our not-quite-a-tribe mini tribe, we are somewhat interdependent. As Ben says, when I piss Brad off, Ben has to hear about it too, so he usually tries to help me fix things when I break them, literally and figuratively. And when Ben loses his car keys an hour and a half away, I go pick him up.
But Ben and I are not codependent on one another like Brad and I are. Our stupid decisions don’t affect Ben, like they do each other. There is a huge amount of baggage Brad and I share, that Ben and I don’t. So Ben and I get to share all the happy, lighthearted, carefree moments without being weighed down by the financial and emotional debt that is mine and Brad’s burden to carry together.
I often wonder if Ben would resent me the way Brad does if it were his baby I accidentally got pregnant with, and it were his job to go to work each day to feed and house us.
But it wasn’t, and it’s not, so I’ll never know.
All I know now is I’m madly in love with him. There. I said it. And I don’t care it it makes him uncomfortable.
I’ve never said it to his face – only whispered it in his ear during moments when my judgment might not have seemed the clearest. And he’s certainly never said it to me. He never expresses any emotions to me… not in words anyway.
And it’s not the casual kind I wrote about in my post – “I’m Madly in Love with You, But Don’t Worry, It’s Not a Big Deal.” It’s the kind that’s so intense, it hurts to say. It’s the kind that’s making me cry right now because I’m so afraid to type it. Afraid he won’t reciprocate it. Afraid it will hurt Brad when he realizes the intensity of my feelings. Afraid of what might happen next. I don’t know where to go from here.
I just took a break from typing this post, and found EXACTLY what I needed the hear in my Facebook feed… SO perfect!