My Letter to Brad’s New “Girlfriend”

Well, she’s not exactly his “girlfriend”… But Carrie is the first woman Brad’s had sex with more than once since me, and maybe the only woman he’s ever started to fall in love with other than me. So when she told him she just couldn’t do this polyamory thing last night, I think Brad was afraid to admit what a blow it was to him.

So I wrote her the following letter:

“Just wanted to reach out. Brad said you were feeling conflicted about the poly thing. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now… how hard and scary it must be to feel like you might be falling in love with someone who doesn’t seem available to give you all the things you want and deserve out of a boyfriend.

I totally support either decision you make – whether it’s continuing to explore your connection with Brad or protecting your heart and keeping your distance… I just wanted to say, if you do decide to take the risk, I want to do whatever I can to support that decision.

I know it might not always seem like that in my blog, but it’s true. If I’m learning one thing from polyamory, it’s that the joy is worth all the pain it’s put us through.
It’s extremely painful to me sometimes to watch Brad falling in love with another woman. This is the first time I’ve seen it happen since he fell in love with me six years ago. You are the first woman in his life, other than me, that he’s had a strong connection with. Literally… in his LIFE.
He never had a serious girlfriend before me. He never even had gratifying sex before me – only drunken one-night stands. So he’s relatively very inexperienced in love. And that’s why I know he’s terrified to to experience it for the second time in his life. It’s very confusing for him. I know he’s tempted to give up and go back to monogamy for safety and security (Capricorns are obsessed with security).
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I think he’s terrified of falling in love with you, but I think he knows it’s too late – it’s already happening. So he’s freaked out. I am also terrified of him falling in love with you. Sometimes it causes me intense pain and makes me want to beg him to be monogamous again.
But ultimately, after the waves of pain from each trigger subside, I realize I want that for him – I want him to fall hard in love again and again, as many times as he needs to… because I really do love him, and nothing makes me happier than to see him happy. Being with you makes him happy. It makes him alive again. It brings back a sparkle in his eye I haven’t seen since we met, or maybe ever.

He hasn’t admitted it to me, but I can tell by his non-answers to my question that he’s had the best sex of his life with you. I’m sure there are a number of factors that contribute to the fact he has more passionate sex with you, but whatever they are doesn’t matter. What matters is you’ve brought him back to life, and that scares the hell out of him and me, but I don’t want to see him wither up and die again, like he did after I got pregnant, when he realized he was trapped in a lifetime of monogamy with me.

I want him to experience passionate, beautiful, soul-shaking, erotic love. For whatever reasons, he has a hard time experiencing that with me… and that’s why, even though it hurts, I’ve prayed he would find a woman he could connect with the way he has with you.

I hope you can both face your fears and let Love finish out the magic it’s sparked between the two of you. If you do decide to take that risk, I promise I will do my best to give you two all the the space you need to develop and nourish that connection/relationship. That’s all. Best wishes for whatever path you decide on!”

4 hours later: I’m sure I can only claim an inkling of the credit for it, but maybe my letter had something to do with the fact that Brad is a mile and a half down the road banging Carrie’s brains out right now 😉

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