Just like you can’t force yourself to be celibate, you can’t force yourself to be monogamous. You might end up monogamous or celibate for a while by accident, but you can’t force it.
I already knew this, but I decided to test the theory last week. Brad and I had been having amazing sex ever since we “broke-up” and decided to go “solo poly under the same roof.” We were feeling more emotionally and spiritually connected than ever and getting along really well.
I’d gone out for a “ladies'” night at a new friend’s house with a couple of old friends. There ended up being “boys” at our bonfire, but we had plenty of time for girl talk about the sexual awakenings we’d all been experiencing recently.
We talked about how we’ve all been aching to go deeper into our sexual journeys, but have had a hard time finding men who aren’t afraid to accompany us. One of the women talked about how she’s only been able to have intense, spiritual orgasmic experiences with other women. Another – my friend June – said she’s been able to have some mystical sexual experiences with a man lately, but the most recent of these almost scared him away. One thing all four of us women have in common is a perception that sex – long orgasms in particular – is the key to unlocking some kind of mystery… although we’re not sure what kind of mystery yet… maybe this.
Hell-bent on solving the mystery, and inspired by my girlfriends’ stories of hours-long orgasms, I’ve been pulling Brad down the rabbit hole with me lately. I’ve been determined to give him a “long” orgasm like the ones I’ve learned to have over the last six months. “If he could just experience this,” I thought, “he’d know why I want it all the time, why I want to go farther.”
So I’ve been practicing edging with him – bringing him to the brink of ejaculation, but then pulling back and slowing down just before he goes over the edge. The results have been orgasms almost as long as mine, two or three minutes (mine are 5 to 10). And it’s been working! He’s wanting to have sex more often and understands the point of prolonging the wait for the climax in order to stretch the orgasm out. (I honestly don’t know the purpose of longer orgasms, but somehow I believe if I can have a long enough one one day, I will understand.)
Anyway, on my way home from girls’ night, at 5 am (Saturday, June 11), I decided it was time for Ben and I to break our month-and-a-half-long dry spell. I don’t know why I chose that night, but it seemed like the night it was “supposed” to happen. So I set my mind to it on the way up our driveway and decided I wouldn’t let him refuse.
I saw our friends’ – Marlena and Joeseph‘s – car in the driveway, which meant they were on the couch. But I didn’t care. That would only make it more exciting.
I barged through his private entrance door, calmed and quieted myself, lit a candle, slipped out of my dress and under his covers. Pleased to discover he was naked too, I pressed my body against his back. Then I slowed down and made a little space between us. Softly, slowly, I made my way back toward him, pressing myself into him and then pulling back. I was so gentle and subtle. My intention was not to wake him, but to make love to him in his dreams, while he was still soft and yielding. And it worked.
The waves of his body began undulating in rhythm with mine, parallel to mine. They got bigger and bigger, like the waves of a whip (thanks for that image June ;)), until he rolled over toward me and held my face in his hands.
I mounted him and stayed on top the whole time. He usually tosses me underneath him at some point, but I’d become stronger than him sexually during his month-and-a-half-long absence. So I held him down and exhausted him, until he couldn’t hold it in anymore – which in one way leaves me stronger than him (on a higher cliff), but in the other way makes me totally dependent upon and desperate for him (stranded on that cliff waiting for him to push me off). So it’s always unclear which one of us has the upper hand.
Monogamy out of fear
It was because of Brad’s psychic knowledge of the depth of mine and Ben’s sexual connection that he freaked out a little later that day when I broke the news that Ben and I had reunited.
It didn’t bother him at all when I told him I’d had sex with someone I barely knew the week before, or with a trusted friend – in a platonic, experimental way – a couple of weeks before that. But every time I have sex with Ben, he feels it, and it hurts… probably the same way it hurt me when I heard about Brad and June’s first “sexual” connection.
I used to get so jealous when Brad and June first started hanging out without me, but wasn’t sure who I was envious of – her or him. The cure for that jealously was the night I witnessed them making love right in front of me for what seemed like an eternity (but was actually only moments) before she pulled me in to join them. I still hope for the day Brad can experience such relief and ecstasy with Ben and I, but that is a thought for another day.
“You want to be monogamous with me or someone else?” I asked.
“Probably someone else,” he said. “I’d like it to be with you, but there’s probably just too much baggage for that now.”
Terrified of losing him, I immediately came up with a plan. “How ’bout we take a break from polyamory?” I suggested. “We’ll just be monogamous for a while, until you feel comfortable opening back up. I’ll let you set the pace. I trust you.” I said.
I wanted to show him how important he was to me. I wanted to prove that the history, friendship and deepening sexual bond he and I shared was more valuable than novelty and sexual passion. He and I have the “coolness of love” Osho talked about, and to me, nothing was worth losing that.He didn’t say it, but he seemed satisfied with my display of devotion and agreed to put our beds back together.
My commitment to monogamy lasted only three days. The more I thought about the promise I’d made, the more I wanted to break it. Each day that went by, I could tell he was taking me a little more for granted, and I him. The sexual connection we’d kindled since our break-up started to fade again.
On the third night of my vow, June was at our house. All four of us were hanging out in Ben’s room, when I said something sexually suggestive that scared Brad off. He retreated to his room, leaving me stirred up and hanging on that cliff again, waiting for someone(s) to pull me a little higher up before pushing me over the edge again.
I got angry, followed Brad into “our” bedroom, and whispered loudly that I didn’t want to be monogamous anymore – that it gave him too much power over me.
He said fine, neither did he, and dragged his half of the bed back into his room.
Monogamish out of love
Suddenly, now that I was free – now that I had escaped the monogamous cage I’d put myself into – I didn’t feel the need to run. June and Ben had gone to bed by the time I finished talking to Brad, so I followed suit.
The next night Brad confided in me that the reason he was so sad I’d had sex with Ben again was because we’d been connecting so well lately. Our love had been so rejuvenated from our break-up, he thought we might not need anyone else anymore.
I thought that too, for a minute, I said. But I was wrong. Putting walls up around our love only made me want to jump out of the box, and I know it made him want to jump out too. The thing is, restrictions make us both want to escape, and novel situations make us want to pull each other back in.
Now that sex with Ben – or anyone else – is back on the table, I’m not in such a rush to run away with the idea, and I’ve accidentally ended up monogamous with Brad again ever since (the past nine days).
I know sex with Ben will happen again naturally at some point, and when it does, it’ll take me higher, and whatever I learn from it, I’ll bring back to my bed with Brad later. And then Brad will take me higher, and I’ll take whatever I’ve learned with him back in to Ben’s bed… spiraling higher and higher until we reach some kind of awakening… what kind, I’m not yet sure.