Losing My Mind While Brad was on a Date With a New Woman: July 8

I’m touching myself. It helps me feel better about being excluded… Like I’m somehow included in the sexual magic you’re making right now… like I’m contributing to it. 

And I’m making a wish… I wish that you bring me back some of that magic you contract from her, just like I brought you some of the magic I learned from Ben, so we an all make magic together!

I’m glad you’re not here right now, even though I can sense your ghost… Because it would prevent me from learning what I’m supposed to learn… Which is that I’m enough…. I can do this myself…. I can take myself there.

And the other part of me says I can’t take myself there… I can’t do it all by myself… I’m not enough. I’m broken. I need you. I need the masculine. I need my opposite.

I need you to take me farther, so I can take myself farther, so I can take you farther, so you can take me farther… So we can keep pulling each other up to the next levels.

I just gave myself a really long orgasm, one I couldn’t get up from afterward.

I was awake but I was dreaming. I was dreaming but I was awake.

I couldn’t move… I still can’t move… Except my fingers on this cell phone screen. The rest of me is paralyzed, plastered to the bed. I’m cold, but I let it go, cause I can’t move, so there’s nothing I can do about it.

Who let me get this high?

I’m waiting for you to walk in on me here naked, oiled up, legs spread, vulva swollen… 

But then again, I’m okay if you don’t.

In fact, I think I’m more than happy to go to sleep without you right now.

But you’ll see through those prideful lies someday.

And realize all I really wanted was you, here with me, always.

Goddammit! Why do I have to prove myself the most jealous, possessive monogamous person on earth every time I know you’re fucking another woman!?! Why am I getting more jealous as time goes on instead of less?

I’m imagining you’re in our house fucking her right now… I’m strangely perceiving that you are… Over in Ben’s room, quietly, as if you think I can’t hear you with my sixth sense. 

Dear God… if I don’t go to sleep and pretend this isn’t happening I’m liable to go over there and murder her with my bare hands.

That or eat a giant chocolate cheesecake.

Something worthy of these emotions.

I must get warm and cozy now… I must sleep and take care of myself…

Fuck!

If this jealousy could please stop making me want to blow up galaxies now, that’d be great, so I could just go ahead and continue this poly blog I write, without realizing I’m mono…

Daddy, I can’t sleep…

I’m so tired I keep falling asleep, but another involuntary part of my body keeps waking me up every time I hear a sound, and then keeps me up so I can write about it. 

Every time I hear a car pass, I wake from a dead sleep wondering if and hoping it is you. Every few minutes I wonder and hope, in my dreams, that I’m hearing you coming through the kitchen door with a laughing drunk woman.

I won’t sleep a wink until you’re lying here next to me, with my head tucked safely between your arm and chest… petting my hair… reassuring me you love me and you’re not going to abandon me…

Please come home. I miss you and need you so much. 

But I love you, so I’m going to be strong… For our sake. I sacrifice myself at your alter.

Closing eyes…. Goodnight.

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