June is Gone

Feeling pretty shitty. I tried to start a tribe and failed. It was only a couple of months ago that I was writing about how excited I was that my new best friend June had moved in.

In fact, I had so much fun with her I barely had time to write about it. That was the problem – (Or was it a problem? I still don’t know) – we were so busy having fun all the time, I never got any work done.

Like Anais Nin’s June, I’ve always been torn about my June. One part of me is drawn to her, like one is drawn toward death. The other part of me runs from her, like it is afraid to live.

She feels like danger. She feels like trouble. I know now exactly how her ex-boyfriend felt when he asked her to leave – conflicted.

Part of me wanted to give her everything. Part of me resented her recurring role as the Damsel in Distress.

14182547_10157518711815106_2001248274_n“I’m messy,” she warned me, with mascara-colored tears, the night we stayed up til 3 am packing her basement apartment, before she moved into our place.

She wasn’t just talking about the bottle of curdled milk or the open cartons of dried-up play-dough hidden in dresser drawers. She was referring to her life in general.

The subconscious warning she was trying to send me was that friendship with her wasn’t going to be smooth sailing – it was going to be a rocky, wild ride.

“It’s OK, you won’t scare me away,” I told her.

But I lied. She did scare me. She terrified me. As Teal Swan said in her video titled “Is Love Enough” – the reason I was so attracted to June in the first place was that she represented all the aspects of myself I’d rejected, suppressed, denied or disowned.

“When we see positive attributes in other people that were denied in ourselves, it causes us to fall in love, but it also causes pain, because it’s a reminder of what we don’t have,” Swan said.

14218149_10157518197185106_1343239167_nJune is wild, carefree and indifferent to the potential consequences of her actions… almost reckless. June is the kind who drags you out dancing on a Tuesday night and doesn’t care if she has to be up for work at 6 the next morning. She’s the kind who leaves dinner on the stove all night, who falls asleep on the couch fully dressed, staring at her computer, who throws bleach into a washer full of your brand new colored clothes, and who drives her car up and down the East Coast without oil in it.

She’s the kind who makes you not care if you’re getting any work done or if you’re going to be able to pay your bills at the end of the month.

And that was all surprisingly refreshing in the beginning. I observed her in amazement and wonder. I had never seen someone “waste” time so skillfully or gracefully.

She was like Julia Roberts in A Pretty Woman – only more intelligent and artistic – a beautiful mess.

But the more she played this part, the more I played the opposite. The more scattered she became, the more uptight I became. The fewer fucks she gave, the more nervous and judgmental I got. The longer her laundry list of problems grew, the longer I feared mine would grow.

So I chickened out. I wrote her a message saying I’d messed up by asking her to move in with us. I told her I thought it would eventually ruin our friendship and asked her to start looking for another place. I figured it would take a month or two for her to leave, but she took it harder than I thought. She told me she’d have her things out by the weekend, and now she’s not speaking to me.

I still don’t know what to think about the whole thing. I’m sad that for now it seems to be all or nothing with her. I’m sad it feels like I’m losing a best friend. I’m sad my daughter is losing the three children who have become like siblings to her over the last two and a half months.

14249093_10157518212690106_1972325847_n

I don’t know if I made the right decision.

I do know that Teal Swan when she said love is not enough to make a relationship work long-term. For that, you need conscious compatibility.

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