I Am Bonobo Woman, Hear Me Moan

Bonobo female (with infant) showing large breast“Bonobo Woman,” “hedonist,” “pervert,” “selfish,” “narcissistic,” “delusional,” “lunatic,” “whining hippy,” “human blow-up doll,” and mother of an “illegitimate” future “whore”… These are all names I was called simply for asserting I was sexually dissatisfied and questioning the naturalness of monogamy.

I guess I should’ve expected this kind of reaction from the socially conservative audience of a “libertarian” magazine, but I wasn’t prepared for the level of astonishment and disgust I would inspire – more than 600 comments, almost all along the lines of “enjoy your herpes.”

After finishing the book Sex at Dawn last week, I now understand why so many people are having such a visceral response to my desire for more sex. The thought that I, as a woman, could possibly want/desire/need to have seximages with more than one man/person for the rest of my life shatters a nearly ten-thousand-year-long dream, the fairytale – the lie – that some man will come sweep me off my feet, carry me away to my cottage, impregnate me, go off to work for the overlords, bring home the pesticide-ridden, nutrient-devoid bread, bring me flowers, and maintain his undying passion for me and only me throughout all his years of hard work and monotony, and give me all the sexual satisfaction my “coy,” “selfless” little sex was supposed to want and need.

The thing is, the only beneficiaries of repressing female sexuality – and therefore reducing the supply of females available for “free love” – are rich, powerful men. By convincing women they don’t or shouldn’t have much of a sex drive, rich men are able to keep a harem of them all to themselves. images-1Whether it was Abraham, Isaac, Solomon, an upper-class polygamist in Utah, or a politician who can afford all the highest-priced prostitutes his heart desires – wealthy men have always been the winners in the business of keeping the female libido under wraps.

If she were free to express her true sexual nature she might just start offering her body “for free” to dozens of commoners, rather than painfully reserving her sex for the highest bidder. That would be far too egalitarian. And the elite men of this world just can’t have that.

This awesome blog post points out that male obsession with women’s sexual “purity” was so intense in ancient Israel, that they were stoned to death (and I’m sure they still are in many parts of the world) if they were found not to be virgins before their wedding nights.315995-35ac1112-e607-11e3-ba62-a129b4e220c3

“Explanations for the virginity obsession seem to be limited to men’s desire for a ‘tight fit,’ as well as the assurance that the human property they purchased was truly brand new…the fixation on virginity…was simply one more avenue for men to control and dominate females,” says Sex and Punishment author Eric Berkowitz.

So because of the rich man’s desire for a fresh pussy or two to call his own, and to use as a vessel for creating heirs to his land, wealth and legacy, he has pretended for millennia that women don’t need multiple sexual partners or much sex at all… meanwhile, satisfying his own needs for sexual variety with concubines or those damnable filthy prostitutes on the side.

If you’re a man too poor for multiple wives or prostitutes, you’re relegated to joining the ranks of sexually deprived, frustrated, angry women.

Can anyone see this? Can anyone see how ridiculous and hypocritical this is? This insistence that women not be too sexual, especially if they want to land a husband and provider for their children someday? All the while, with men starving for more “easy” women? Why is it that men spit upon and hate the same “sluts,” “prostitutes,” “porn stars” and “whores” they so desperately seem to want and need? (I’m convinced they’re subconsciously angry they been put in a position to have to “pay for it” one way or the other).slutshaming2_3

And what are women supposed to make of it? Here we are with this insatiable sex drive – this anatomy that has evolved to have orgasm after orgasm after orgasm triggered by sex with a whole succession of males… here we are going literally insane from not getting those orgasms… and we are being told our choices are to be an angelic, monogamous, not-too-sexually-needy, virgin wife or a scorned and hated prostitute/slut. What kind of choice is that?

It is total INSANITY! Can we not see this? I’m sorry, but I feel like I am losing my mind over here. Here I am experiencing the very same “anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, nervousness and erotic fantasy” that Victorian doctors diagnosed as “hysteria and nymphomania” and “cured” by massaging their upper-class patients to orgasm, and I’m being told to just shut up and deal with it for the sake of preserving marriage, female monogamy and patriarchy.

I refuse to be told I shouldn’t want sex – and particularly multiple orgasms from multiple men – as much as I do. I refuse to be shamed for it. It is in my DNA for “god’s” sake. Don’t believe me? Let me elaborate on my last post.

Sex at Dawn

As I touched on before, female bonobos and humans have evolved to have lots and lots of orgasms in a row, each one getting progressively longer and more intense, improving their emotional, mental and physical health and well-being (in other words, keeping them happy, sane and out of physical pain). Individual males, by themselves, are not equipped to provide this gift, even if they have convinced themselves they are “God’s gift to women.”

According to my conclusions from the book Sex at Dawn, it is physically impossible for a single male to satiate a woman’s sexual appetite, unless he’s using the aid of a battery-operated machine or has tireless fingers… because his penis simply will not last that long. Pause – do not take this personally men – do not let your ego get in the way of your reasoning abilities. This is a universal problem. As Sex at Dawn authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha put it:

“When it comes to sex, men may be trash-talking sprinters, but it’s the women who win all the marathons. Any marriage counselor will tell you the most common sex-related complaint women make about men is that they are too quick and too direct. Meanwhile, men’s most frequent sex-related gripe about women is that they take too damned long to get warmed up.

 After an orgasm, a woman may be anticipating a dozen more. A female body in motion tends to stay in motion. But men come and go. For them, the curtain falls quickly and the mind turns to unrelated matters. This symmetry of dual disappointment illustrates the almost comical incompatibility between men’s and women’s sexual response in the context of monogamous mating.”

If you don’t take Ryan and Jetha’s word for it, take it from The Kama Sutra:

“A fire is never sated by any amount of logs, nor the ocean by rivers that flow into it; death cannot be sated by all the creatures in the world, nor a fair-eyed woman by any amount of men.”

If you don’t believe The Kama Sutra, maybe you’ll be as fascinated as I was when a reader told me his wife can have seven or eight orgasms in a row while he alternates between satisfying her with his penis and a vibrator, and then coyly suggests that she’d like to keep it going on her own after exhausting him. I seriously did not even know that was possible, but I’ll let you know if it’s true after I order my own electric orgasm-making appliance.

Before anyone dares to suggest that Brad is not a good lover, don’t. He’s f***ing amazing, pun intended. He’s even learning injaculation – the ancient Eastern art of having an orgasm without ejaculating – which allows him to outlast most men and at some point is supposed to enable him to have multiple orgasms. But, to both of our dismay – and with the occasional exception of a double orgasm for me – we’ve found that he can work his magic for twice as long as a normal man, and typically, I’m still just getting warmed up, and/or stressing myself out to hurry up and get there.

The book Sex at Dawn has finally provided us with a scientific explanation for this, and helped us to realize that our “mismatch” is neither one of our faults, and again – a universal problem… I’ve talked about this with a LOT of orgasm-less girl friends in my lifetime guys, so don’t pretend it’s not an issue for you and “your” woman.

The book’s explanation goes something like this: The evolution gods realized that genetic variety was necessary for viable, healthy, robust, intelligent offspring. So instead of encouraging her to stick with the same old guy she grew up with, fell in love-at-first-sight with and was probably closely related to, these evolution “gods” incentivized her to go and get some from as many different males as she could, near and far, and rewarded her handsomely for the pursuit. While she might have her regular circles of favorites (in her troupe or tribe), nothing turns on a bonobo (and theoretically a woman) more than the novelty of an outsider.

imagesAnd do you know what the incentive/reward for this was? Multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms that increase in intensity the longer she has sex… and that are sometimes triggered more quickly by novelty… and the fact that she couldn’t get all these multiple orgasms from one male. So, after she attracted one to get her started, she moaned and screamed with delight to attract other males to line up and give her what she craved, one after the other. (No, I am not talking about gang rape… I am talking about a woman, begging for more from anyone in the vicinity who can give it to her).

Then a clever little thing called sperm competition occurred. While a woman’s vaginal tract creates all kind of obstacles and hurdles for most sperm that enter it, her body has the intelligence to assist the sperm that are best genetically suited for her egg.

“There is striking evidence that the female reproductive system is capable of making subtle judgments based upon the chemical signature of different men’s sperm cells. These assessments may go well beyond general health to the subtleties of immunological compatibility … Thus, as Anne Pusey explains, ‘Females may benefit from sampling many males, and different females will not necessarily benefit from mating with the same high quality male.'”

“This is a crucially important point. Not every ‘high quality’ male would be a good match for any specific woman—even on a purely biological level. Because of the complexities of how the two sets of parental DNA interact in fertilization, a man who appears to be of superior mate value (square jaw, symmetrical body, good job, firm handshake, Platinum AMEX card) may in fact be a poor genetic match for a particular woman. So, a woman (and ultimately, her child) may benefit by ‘sampling many males’ and letting her body decide.” ~ Sex at Dawn

Not coincidentally, this also works out really well for the males of our species. The standard narrative has always told us they are wired for sexual variety (for the same genetic reasons)… turns out so are we women! Not only are we both wired for sexual variety and novelty, we are wired for it in a particularly compatible way! Males can’t last before orgasm and ejaculation and need to rest afterward – leaving a throbbing, insatiable beast with her motor still running in their wake – and clearing the path for other males, hungry for a quickie, to come fill in for them.

“Prolactin and the other hormones released at orgasm appear to trigger very different responses in men and women. While a man is likely to require a prolonged refractory (or recovery) period immediately after an orgasm (and maybe a sandwich and a beer as well), thus getting him out of the way of other males, many women are willing and able to continue sexual activity well beyond a starter orgasm,” Ryan and Jetha write.

Maybe men and women not so incompatible after all! Maybe all we women needed all these millenia was a line of men to take turns satisfying us, and maybe all men needed were a bunch of women like us – willing to take them all in “for free”!

“To Meredith Small, the story of the female’s role in conception is a miniature of the overall narrative. She sees the popular understanding of conception as “an outdated allegory of human sexuality” featuring the male as “aggressor, persuader, conqueror.” Recent research on human fertilization suggests something of a role reversal. Small suggests the ovum ‘reaches out and envelops reluctant sperm.’ ‘Female biology,’ she concludes, ‘even at the level of egg and sperm interaction, doesn’t necessarily dictate a docile stance.'”

“In addition to enveloping eggs, a cervix that filters or favors sperm, and vaginal contractions that may expel the sperm of one man while boosting that of another, women’s orgasms provoke changes in vaginal acidity. These changes appear to assist the sperm cells of the lucky guy who provoked the orgasm.

So there you have it! Give a girl an orgasm and your sperm are more likely to be the lucky winners whose genes get to live on into eternity!

Or just give a girl an orgasm because she needs them, regularly… and use birth control, because the world is already overpopulated.

All right let’s here it Federalist fans… give me “the ridicule I deserve.”


“Now there you have a sample of man’s “reasoning powers,” as he calls them. He observes certain facts. For instance, that in all his life he never sees the day that he can satisfy one woman; also, that no woman ever sees the day that she can’t overwork, and defeat, and put out of commission any ten masculine plants that can be put to bed to her. He puts those strikingly suggestive and luminous facts together, and from them draws this astonishing conclusion: The Creator intended the woman to be restricted to one man.” ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth






  1. […] blogger recently wrote a post critiquing my post about my newfound kinship with bonobos. He seemed to have trouble reconciling my sometimes-animalistic sexual urges with my quest for a […]

  2. […] Dawn spends several chapters talking about the “myth of the coy female,” the fact that women often have even higher sex drives than men, and that women are also highly attracted to sexual novelty. And of course, women cheat too. This […]

  3. […] quarters last night. I know he’s expressed feelings of inadequacy in the past, when I wrote a post about how female primates are wired for orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, preferably delivered by a long line of males. He said even though he understood it biologically […]

  4. […] for multiple orgasms that could wear out dozens of males in a row. (See my posts: “I am Bonobo Woman, Hear Me Moan” and “The Myth of the Coy Female and The Origins of Slut […]

  5. ed

    As a heterosexual male I agree totally with the author. There is no doubt that the female of the human species is dramatically more able sexually than the male. Multiple orgasms, while most men are in a big hurry. We blame our sexual hangups on the female of the species, and worry about virginity cheating etc. Guys it doesn’t wear out with use.

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