It’s time to set the record straight. Most of this blog is bullshit.
I was never interested in “polyamory,” whatever that word even means.
Subconsciously, I was interested in finding my soulmate, my twin flame, and I wasn’t sure if Brad was it.
I was no longer in love with the father of my child/partner of 4 years, and he was clearly not in love with me.
The newfangled concept of “polyamory” was just a trendy excuse to play the field and see if I could find any better offers.
What did I have to lose, I figured. Either I’d find someone who’d love me better… or Brad, out of fear of losing me, would shape up and start meeting my needs for emotional and sexual intimacy. Either way, I win, I thought.
But my subconscious plan backfired.
1. I didn’t find a man who loved me more than Brad did, I just found a man who was more excited to put his penis in my vagina because I was novel and he’d gone without sex a lot longer than Brad had.
I made the classic mistake of mistaking this excitement for love.
I was “in love” in a way, but it was the kind of love you fall into, like a trap, not the kind of love that you rise into, that has the potential to last and grow.
“Immature people fall in love, mature people rise in love,” Osho says.
2. Because I couldn’t empathize with Brad’s pain over this betrayal, because I couldn’t even fathom it, he subconsciously set out to teach me a lesson.
He had to make me feel the pain he’d felt firsthand, so I could know it. So I could have sympathy and compassion for what I put him through.
So he went out and fell just as hard in love as I had, and rubbed it right in my face, until my soul was bloody and bruised and begging him to stop.
Someway, somehow, we made it through the two most awful experiences of our lives, and came out a million times stronger on the other side. But goddamn, if there’s a way couples can find bliss without going through hell, I highly recommend it.
I figure I owe it to any of my friends I haven’t yet influenced to “try poly,” to tell you it’s not the fairytale utopia I hoped it would be.
I don’t know if there’s any such thing as learning from other people’s mistakes, but just in case there is, allow me to share what I’ve learned 4 years after opening my relationship.
1. I still believe in “free love.”
I agree with the book Sex at a Dawn that humans are not “naturally” monogamous… that we evolved to want to fuck every attractive human we see from the time we reach sexual maturity.
I think society should encourage and celebrate sexual freedom and exploration among teenagers.
I think because society does not do this, and instead represses our sexuality, we wander around still starving for that kind of passion as adults.
Unfortunately, this quest, for sexual awakening, usually comes after we’ve married or had children with an otherwise compatible life partner.
2. Often couples who “try poly” are best friends (or at least started out that way) and are very well suited for each other in every way, except in their ability to turn each other on sexually.
They get to a point where they can’t remember if they were ever really that hot for each other in the first place (and chances are they weren’t if their sexual repression didn’t allow them much sexual adventure/exploration/practice before they met each other).
They start to think “maybe my partner isn’t the one,” but don’t have the heart to say so and suggest “let’s try having sex with other people to spice things up.”
3. The extramarital sex might start out as casual escapades, but soon enough someone falls in love.
Its easy to do when the first person you connect with both sexually and emotionally comes along.
The new person not only lends an empathetic ear about all the problems your having with your original partner, they also seem to know exactly what you need in the bedroom. (Note: this is not because they are some unique sex god… it’s because they’ve been just as hungry and starved for passion/love/intimacy as you have, and the novel/taboo connection provides the perfect storm.)
4. Things get extremely confusing.
Not only are you in love with a new person, “the new pussy energy” or “new cock energy” spills over into your old relationship and gives you a new set of eyes for your old partner too.
You might not feel as hot for your old partner as your new one, but your orgasm energy has created enough love in you that you have compassion for the old one and don’t want to abandon them.
5. Now you’re caught between a rock and a hard place.
You’re in love with two people.
By now, they are both jealous of your affection and wanting you to choose.
You’re sexual “life force” energy is more stimulated by the new person, so you can’t imagine giving them up and going back to the half-hearted embrace of your old partner.
But you have more history, trust and deeper friendship with the old partner, not to mention a child or two.
6. Both partners are willing to play the game for a little while… the new partner because they have nothing to lose, the old partner because they have no choice (except abandonment).
But over time, it becomes torture for all parties involved, most of all the old partner, who stands to be replaced.
7. The person in the middle inevitably has to choose. Their fantasy of having two boyfriends or girlfriends can’t go on forever. It doesn’t feel fair to either of their lovers.
This usually goes one of two ugly ways:
A. They confess to their new lover they were unconsciously using them for novel sex/sexual awakening all along, and now it’s time to take that newly created energy back to their original partner and repair that relationship.
B. Mesmerized by the spell of new sex energy, and pushed to make a choice By their original partner, they choose the new cock or new pussy, only to watch it crumble a year or two later, when the fuck fest burns out and they have the same or worse problems.
The sad part about option B is that children’s hearts are often needlessly torn apart along with their parents.
AND, as Sex at Dawn points out, oftentimes it turns out “Couple A” was more compatible for longterm partnership than “Couple B.”
This is because if we had our heads on straight when we chose the person we wanted to procreate with, we chose our best friend.
When we chose the person to have the “affair” with, we chose someone who was wrong for us in exactly all the right ways to make us wild in the bedroom.
As Osho says, it is the one we develop a spiritual friendship with who becomes our lasting soulmate. But that meeting can only happen after sexual awakening, and if that process was repressed in us before we met our best friend, we have some confusing shit to work through.
So here’s me wishing all of you can get that shit sorted out as quickly as possible, because if your original partner is your soulmate, you’re in for the most painful test of your life.
The good news is there can be healing and deeper intimacy on the other side. Brad and I have been more in love in the last 6 months of monogamy than in our entire 8 years before that, and I KNOW it’s only going to get better from here.
The key, for me, was learning to redirect my newfound sexual energy into Brad (my spiritual husband). That’s helped him redirect his sexual energy toward me, so that now we’re on the path of nourishing only each other with that energy.
Now that we’re focused inward, we are building and building on that energy to the point I’m so full, I can’t imagine needing to look outside our relationship for it again.
I don’t know if he’s 100% there yet, but I dream of the day Osho talks about, when we rise so high in love with each other that everyone else disappears.