Crying… I’ve been listening to Teal Swan talk about relationships all day and realizing Brad and I might no longer be compatible. We’re on different pages, and I don’t know if we’ll be able to get back on the same one without some sort of separation.
Recently, I’ve complained a lot about my needs for physical affection/ touch and more sex going unmet. Brad was never willing or able to meet those needs. But now those physical needs have become secondary.
Now I have an insatiable desire for earth-shattering spiritual and emotional connection and intimacy, which he also does not seem to be interested in, not with me at least.
I’m not trying to tell him how he feels or what he wants, because he and Ben both just told me I do this a lot.
I am saying this based on his actions and based on his apparent lack of interest whenever I bring the conversation up.
I don’t blame him. I’m not mad at him… well I’m a little mad at him for his seeming disinterest in my needs in general. But I’m not mad at him for not being able to meet them. I’m just not willing to continue not having them met, because as Teal Swan (great name, I know) says needs/wants/desires don’t just go away. They only get stronger.
Well, I’m in luck. A few hours after telling Brad I wanted separate bedrooms again and eventually to move out and start a women’s commune with June, he was inspired to meet my needs. He laid next to Nora and I in the bed and started petting my hair and staring at me lovingly while I brushed Nora’s teeth.
“We all just want to be loved, don’t we?” he said.
He told me how hard it is for him to be physically affectionate and emotionally intimate with me when I’m not listening – telling him how he feels and what he needs – and being critical of him.
I learned today (from good ol’ Teal) that my criticisms of him are just a manipulative way of trying to get my needs met, because I’m afraid to be vulnerable and ask directly.
I told him how important it was for me to be held, hugged and touched affectionately, and how that helped me feel safe being emotionally vulnerable.
I cried when I told him about a memory I had of sitting next to my father on the couch watching TV as a young teenager. I vividly remember wanting to cuddle up to him. I wanted to lay my head on his chest and have him put his arm around me, but felt it would be awkward and perhaps inappropriate, as I was getting “too old” for that kind of stuff.
Not only was I too old, I hadn’t had that kind of relationship with him for years. I’d only spent 4 days a month (every other weekend) with him since I was 6 or 7, so I wasn’t as comfortable around him as I should’ve been, and I certainly wasn’t getting physical (or really any) affection from my loving but stoic step father.
I remember moving closer to my father on the couch that day and trying to lean my head on his shoulder to test the waters, but he seemed uncomfortable and distracted by some electronic gadget he was fidgeting with, so I moved away.
I sobbed realizing I’d been trying to find a man who would not push me away ever since.
Brad understood and held me until I had my fill. He talked about his relationship with his parents while I scratched his back like his mother used to.
Two birds with one stone – physical affection and emotional connection and intimacy.
Next on my agenda – breaking through the Great Wall around Ben’s heart.
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