Just in case anyone thinks polyamory is to blame for my break-up/transition with Brad, I want to make it clear that polyamory is to thank for it.
If my polyamorous “experiment” has taught me anything over the last year and a half, it’s that I will NEVER agree to monogamy again. Not that I ever explicitly agreed to it in the first place, but I am going to make sure I explicitly am NOT agreeing to it with every person I have a romantic connection with going forward.
And more importantly, I will never enter into a financially dependent relationship again, which is a very difficult thing to avoid in a world where children are born into monogamous, nuclear couples, rather than tribes, where every member of the tribe is equally responsible for raising the children born into it, and no one has to depend on the financial support of one other member.
In our modern, messed up world, one of the two members of the family unit, usually the breastfeeding member (if there is one) has to quit generating income, to some degree, in order to care for the child for the first five years or so. That member might do 95 percent of the housework and 95 percent of the childcare, but because they are producing less than 50 percent of the income, they are considered by our culture to be the less valuable member of the nuclear unit.
In a world that values making money over any other contribution to society, the member of the nuclear family unit who raises the child(ren) can come to be viewed by the income-producing member as a burden, an anchor, a dead weight. Additionally, the stay-at-home parent can start to view the money-maker as the cause of their domesticity and lack of freedom. And resentment builds between both parties.
If I’d known then, what I know now, I NEVER would have had a baby without a tribe of people agreeing to help raise it, as equals.
Luckily, now that our daughter is almost 5 and finally ready (even begging) to go to school, I hope to regain some sense of equality and autonomy, by generating my “own” income and insisting on 50-50 childcare and either 50-50 housework or separate houses, dishes and laundry to clean.
My intention in writing this is not to make Brad out to be a terrible person, just a commentary on that culture that both he and I were born into. Wish us luck on breaking free, because, as Osho says – “freedom is the ultimate value” –