Feeling Like a Failure

I had such a good thing going with Brad. The last three weeks were the best of our almost-7-year relationship. We’d never been more intimate or gotten along so well.

Wanting to further heal our relationship – that had recently come so close to ending – I volunteered to be monogamous until we felt solid and he felt comfortable.

I blew that commitment yesterday, after spending most of the day alone with Ben. It was something about him being off limits that made him irresistible.

This morning someone asked me if I regret it, if it was worth it, and if I would take it back.

After thinking about it, I would answer yes, no and yes.

It was exhilarating to connect with Ben again like that, but the momentary thrill was not worth the damage I’ve caused to my relationship with Brad.

It was a careless, inconsiderate, selfish thing for me to do to him. I broke his trust after he had just worked so hard to give it to me, all for something so stupid. I don’t know how to earn it back, but I’m going to try my best.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed and so wishing we could go back to the way things were last week.

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