Don’t Leave Your Life Partner Just Because You Need a New Lover

I can’t count how many readers and friends and people in “secret” poly-curious discussion forums have shared the same tragic story:

A man or woman still loves their spouse deeply… thinks of him or her as their BEST friend and most-trusted confidant – perhaps they even think of them as their “soul mate” or “twin flame“… But their natural desire for sexual novelty drives them to the brink of insanity, leaving them torn and dying inside as they try to make the impossible decision between their life partner and their sexual needs.

Therapists tell these tortured individuals to “do the work” and “spice things up” within their marriage… and if they still can’t bring back that lovin’ feeling, they may be encouraged to divorce. The dying sexual passion between the two as a sign the relationship itself is dead… “You must not LOVE each other anymore,” they say… “you’ve just fallen out of love…”

Why? Why? WHY? This is idiotic. People “fall” out of love EVERY SINGLE DAY, ten times a day. “Falling in love” doesn’t mean you LOVE someone, and “falling out of love” doesn’t mean you DON’T love someone anymore. It simply means that every cell in your body is aching to create LIFE (not necessarily a baby) with a new lover. This craving for sexual connection is literally what keeps some of us alive. We can’t ignore that need anymore than we can ignore our need for long-term friendship and security.

This is exactly why polyamory – or open relationships – make sense… Because I hear this story over and over and over – people feeling forced to choose between familial love and sexual love.  I HATE this false dichotomy – this false decision culture has forced us to make. Why can’t we have both?The book Sex at Dawn claims we did have both for at least 2 million years before agriculture. The only reason we can’t now is because we’re brainwashed by a possessive, competitive, property-and-ownership-obsessed agriCULTURE.

If we can move past our jealousy and insecurity and back to the tribal mentality of sharing lovers, we can have our cake and eat it too. Not only can we keep our best friends/ baby daddies and have awesome sex with new lovers… often times, the sexual energy between us and our original partner is rekindled in the process.

So, don’t divorce your spouse or leave your life partner just because you need a new lover. Dig deep and face your fears. Isn’t it better to learn to share the love(s) of your life than lose them all together?

RELATED: Monogamy Makes You Choose Between Freedom and Security, Polyamory Provides Both

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