“I know Ben says he’s not in love with me and doesn’t want to have sex with me, but he is and he does,” I insisted to one of my best girlfriends, Audrey, when she came to visit a week ago. “He won’t admit it to anyone, not even himself, but no one else sees how he looks at me when we’re alone.”
“You have to take people at their word, Sara,” Audrry told me.
“But that’s exactly what I’m telling you,” I said. “He says one thing and but does another. He says he doesn’t want me in his room at night, especially when Brad is still awake, but then he holds onto me and moans like he wants me to stay when I finally get up to go back to my bed.”
“Well then, call his bluff,” Audrey said. “When he says he doesn’t want to have sex, don’t push it. When he says he doesn’t want you in his room, stay out. When he wants to be left alone, leave him alone. Eventually, he’ll come chasing after you – or he won’t. But at least then you’ll know.”
So I took Audrey’s advice. I did exactly what Ben said he wanted me to do over the course of the next week. I kept myself busy and stayed out of his way.
Then, last Saturday night, after Brad had gone to bed, I asked Ben if I could work my computer in his room while he watched Netflix. We talked and talked about his long lost love Marlena, ended up cuddling and falling asleep… but the magnetic energy between us woke us up in the middle of the night.
I was sure not to initiate anything sexual, as I had decided the ball was now totally in his court. I was content just to feel the orgasmic waves flow up and down my body, fully clothed. Apparently he felt the energy too, and slowly made his way into me, before fucking me into oblivion. The next morning I begged him to finish me off, to push me off the climactic cloud he’d left me on so I could exist as a functional human being in the third dimension. He obliged, with more stamina and dedication than the night before.
The moment he pushed me over the edge, I felt as if he’d released me. My obsession with him dissipated, and I was able to focus on the rest of life again.
If I’d written this post that morning, I’d be rejoicing that I’d called Ben’s bluff. “He does love me! He feels it too! I didn’t imagine it!” I told Audrey. But a few days later I’m not so sure.
He’s back to insisting he’s not “in love” with me and has never been “in love” with me – not like he is with Marlena, who left him four years ago. Ben tells me he loves Marlena with 100 percent of his heart, and therefore it’s impossible for him to love anyone else romantically.
As you could probably guess, I call total bullshit on this. I know for a fact it’s possible to love more than one person romantically at the same time. In fact, I was telling my friend the other day, I am currently “in love” with at least half a dozen people.
But, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s not to argue with Ben about his feelings. He’s rarely direct about them, but there’s no use guessing. And I’ve also learned that I don’t have to be ashamed of my feelings just because he doesn’t reciprocate. So I tell him I’m madly in love with him whenever I feel it, and I don’t apologize for it. I have no expectations of him, I just revel in our connection whenever our paths cross.