Friday, around midnight
I’m sitting up on the couch at midnight blogging ’cause I can’t sleep. Too much energy, too many emotions. Brad’s out on his second date with Erin, the woman he’s been talking to on the internet the last few months, who lives a couple of towns away.
I’ve spent the last few hours cleaning the house. I put fresh sheets and comfortable pillows in the spare room in case she decides to spend the night. Sent Brad a text telling him there was a bed ready for them, if they needed it, and that I was going to bed. “Thanks Baby, ” he wrote back. I sent a winky face.
Oh my god… I think they are here… I just ran into my room. I can’t stand this kind of adrenaline… this kind of excitement.
Wait… Maybe it’s not them. It might just be our roommate Ben. I’m a nerd. I’ll wait a little longer, just to make sure.
Anyway, sorry for the play-by-play, but I’m going insane. And the only way for me to sort out my emotions, and not have my head spin out of control, is to write them out as they pop in.
Ben has confirmed it’s him out there. Going to go talk to him. I’ll get back to you later, Dear Diary.
2:30 am ish
Well, it’s done now… I think. I talked lengthily and awkwardly with Ben in the living room, waiting for Brad and Erin to arrive. When they did, I panicked and hid in the coat closet (mostly for dramatic effect, and to entertain Ben). Erin would really think I was a freak if she thought I was waiting up for them. But they were taking forever in the car, so I ran back into my room.
Shit… shit… they’re at it again.
She’s moaning… I can’t stand it… like I told Ben, I’m afraid I might bust down the door… I HATE being left out! But damn, I hope he is giving her good orgasms… And I hope he’s in heaven.
Man… they’ve been going at it for a while… multiple times it seems like. What does this mean? Does he love her?
Like I told Ben, this is a first for me. I’ve attempted to listen to Brad have sex through a wall once before, but that was an arranged, strictly casual encounter, and it was over with so quickly, I couldn’t even hear anything. This time it’s with a girl he likes, and who likes him.
Fuck… I think she’s trying to suppress her screams in a pillow… I can’t take it. It’s hard to know which sounds I’m imagining and which are real.
Back to what I was saying though… She’s Brad’s first all-night guest. She’s not going to disappear after an hour, or in the middle of the night. She’ll be here in the morning when I wake up… She’ll most likely walk out of the room with Brad to find me and Ben having breakfast… totally awkward… Why was I thinking this was a good idea?
Pretty sure her lengthy orgasm is over… just heard her laughing… another sign that they are connecting on more than a physical level.
I wonder if they’ll hold each other all night, or eventually roll away from each other. What if they fall in love? Fuck! What if they fall in love? I said I was ready for that… I said I was ready for anything, and welcomed it… Did I really mean it?
Yes… of course I did! I LOVE IT! We have to experience negative emotions to really be able to experience the positive ones. I couldn’t feel extreme excitement and ecstasy, if I’d never felt extreme anxiety and nervousness, pain and fear.
Jesus Christ… are they going at it a third time? I will feel kind of bad if I have to hear them have sex ALL… NIGHT… LONG! It will trigger all my fears of inadequacy, of being unable to attract or arouse him – like “why the fuck could you get it up for her three times in one night, when you can’t get it up for me three times a week?”
Then my rational self will kick in and say it’s not me or my unattractiveness… it’s my familiarity and her novelty…
Man, all this inner work stuff is hard. I’m shaking from all the emotions. I almost wanted to crawl into Ben’s bed earlier just to relieve my jitters. But I didn’t. I just sat on the floor at his bedside, staring at his salt lamp with him, holding his hand and talking his ear off until he fell asleep.
They are making so much noise… I don’t know what they are doing…
Fuck… this is so much harder than I thought… because of the possibility of him feeling real feelings for her. What if they start spending a lot of time with each other? What if he falls head over heels in love with her? What if the NRE (new relationship energy) hits so hard and fast he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore? What if he totally loses interest?
That’ll fucking kill me… Why do people do this polyamory thing again? The anxiety, the jitters… it’s almost more than I can bear. Now I hear Brad in the bathroom… towel closet… he’s wiping down the bed with a towel. I know that sound.
It’s like on one level I’m totally in tune with my emotions right now, and on another level I’m dissociating from them… they are still walking around… this night will never end… I will never sleep…
I remember reading Brad a quote a couple months back about how men are driven to have sex with lots of women, but only want to “share sleep” with one. He said that’s how he felt – that he was only looking for sexual novelty, and was overwhelmed by the idea of becoming emotionally intimate with anyone else.
He obviously doesn’t feel that way tonight… they are cuddling and cooing in quiet whispers to each other right now. This is the hard part… that he wants to “share sleep” with someone else… not just sex.
It feels like my heart is being ripped out and shredded. But at the same time, I don’t want the experience or the feelings to stop. I guess I’m trying to do what my friend Brian said to do… to stop “trying to escape the experience I’m having” – the moment I’m in… be here with it… be present with the pain… don’t run, don’t suffer… observe it, witness the pain… realize it can’t hurt me if I don’t let it…
Ah fuck… she just sighed, as if they are sharing an emotional moment and she’s finally settling into “her” spot — my spot — on his chest, just below his collar bone. At least that’s what I imagine.
I kind of wish I had had the courage to get in bed with Ben, but on the other hand, I’m glad I didn’t, because that would’ve been running from – trying to escape – this experience… and I think it’s important for me to face it, sit with it, feel it.
I haven’t heard them make any noise for a while. Maybe they are finally asleep. If so, maybe I can find my way to sleep – slowly, slowly… until the brain waves slow… peace… tranquility.
Well they didn’t go to sleep. They were at it again… and are at it again now as far as I can tell. At 3:30 I could hear her moans of delight clearer than all the times before.
I don’t know what to do now… I have to pee, but I’m trapped in my room. When’s the best time to come out? Now, while they are still in there? Or should I wait until she leaves? What if she doesn’t leave? Will Brad make us all breakfast? Surely I won’t be able to sit down with them for breakfast.
I don’t know what my deal is… I was so thrilled about this up until it happened. I haven’t even found myself very sexually excited by Brad lately. And part of my reason for wanting him to be with other women was to spark up that loving feeling again. But for now I feel like a squashed bug.
Maybe because I feel so disconnected from them and left out of what is going on over there. Maybe that’s how Brad felt when I was with Clark and Matthew – disconnected and excluded. I think the fear of the unknown is so much worse than the known… that’s why I have the instinct to push open the door and face it. Face my fear.
That’s why I could handle him having sex with our mutual friend June a few months ago – one, because I knew and trusted her, two, because I was involved, and three, because she didn’t wake up in his arms – she left shortly after the awkward event commenced. I was an insider then. Now, I’m an outsider.
To be continued…