The following is a slightly edited Facebook conversation with one of my new best friends about Ben:
ME: Ben is driving me crazy!
WILLIAM: Is it Ben, or your thoughts about Ben? lol
ME: I don’t know if he loves me – if he’s “in love” with me… the way I am with him
And the fear that he’s not kills me
And it’s so lame, ’cause I really can’t stand him most of the time
But I’m madly in love with him the rest of the time
WILLIAM: What’s the specific fear though? Let’s say he is not, then what?
ME: I die — Kidding, kidding, kidding!
ME: I guess it’s the fear of being alone, right?
WILLIAM: You experience his love for you mostly as a virtual reality fantasy in your head — right? You imagine what he sees and then react to that.
ME: Yes, I guess… Ha! I’m pathetic!
WILLIAM: Like, right now, you don’t really know what my experience of you is.
You can imagine, very vividly, what I think and feel about you, but my thoughts and feelings about you aren’t accessible.
ME: I like to think I can read minds… but I probably am not that good at it
WILLIAM: My overall point is you can experience comfort because, despite not knowing and not being able to control how you are seen, things don’t fall apart.
Ben’s feelings may be hard to pin down, but you can relax into that, and love him anyway.
And he will keep showing up for you, or not, as he is able or chooses to.
ME: I feel like I want to hate him for not loving me back
But I guess that’s not very “good” of me
WILLIAM: Let’s talk about that. Let’s not judge it
It’s like the rain, or snow, that’s just how it is
ME: You are awesome
WILLIAM: You feel like hating him, let’s explore why
ME: I guess because I imagine he must feel the same way I do… I lie to myself and say “how can I have such strong feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate?”
I imagine there’s some strong magnetic force between us, and it seems impossible that he doesn’t feel it too
And then I convince myself he’s lying – that he really does love me, he’s just afraid to admit it
WILLIAM: Suppose he doesn’t feel that way — what does that idea do to you?
ME: It really hurts (tears)
It makes me feel crazy…
Like I can’t trust myself
Like “Jesus Sara – how did you make up that whole fantasy in your head and convince yourself it was real?
WILLIAM: That’s what most human beings do, all the time
In a sense, we create a fantasy character for every person we know, including ourselves
I guess what hurts is I felt like I had a glimpse of the divine having sex with him… I wanted to go deeper into that place with him, but he was afraid
WILLIAM: Please tell me more about that
ME: I’ve just never experienced anything like the sex I had with him before
It’s like a truly religious experience having sex with him
It’s like I go to another plane of existence, for like 10 minutes of orgasm at a time
But he refuses to have sex with me… He holds out for 2 or 3 months at a time
I feel like I’ll die if he doesn’t take me there again
I’m afraid I won’t find that kind of connection again… I know I will, maybe even a stronger one… The rational me says there are 7 billion people in the world with whom I can connect, surely I’m sexually compatible with more than just one!
Please don’t diagnose me as a sex addict
WILLIAM: Oh wow, I see, that IS something
Sex addict NEVER occurred to me, not at all
I actually haven’t had any negative thoughts about you that I can recall
Lets explore your theology here a bit
When you assume specific conditions are needed to meet God or to be “there,” you unconsciously push God – or grace – out of what doesn’t match that concept
The search for God assumes the absence of God
ME: That’s deep
WILLIAM: “I love that Ben loves me however much he loves me or doesn’t, and I respect his path wherever that leads, whether or not, or however, it includes me” — try that
ME: You’re a genius, William, I will