Ben’s Just Not That Into Me

The following is a slightly edited Facebook conversation with one of my new best friends about Ben:

ME: Ben is driving me crazy!

WILLIAM:  Is it Ben, or your thoughts about Ben? lol

ME: I don’t know if he loves me – if he’s “in love” with me… the way I am with him

And the fear that he’s not kills me

And it’s so lame, ’cause I really can’t stand him most of the time

But I’m madly in love with him the rest of the time

WILLIAM:  What’s the specific fear though? Let’s say he is not, then what?

ME: I die  — Kidding, kidding, kidding!

WILLIAM:   lol

ME: I guess it’s the fear of being alone, right?

WILLIAM:   You experience his love for you mostly as  a virtual reality fantasy in your head — right?  You imagine what he  sees and then react to that.

ME:  Yes, I guess…  Ha! I’m pathetic!

WILLIAM:   Like, right now, you don’t really know what my experience of you is.

You can imagine, very vividly, what I think and feel about you, but my thoughts and feelings about you aren’t accessible.

ME:  I like to think I can read minds… but I probably am not that good at it

WILLIAM:   My overall point is you can experience comfort because, despite not knowing and not being able to control how you are seen, things don’t fall apart.

Ben’s feelings may be hard to pin down, but  you can relax into that, and love him anyway.

And he will keep showing up for you, or not, as he is able or chooses to.

ME: I feel like I want to hate him for not loving me back

But I guess that’s not very “good” of me

WILLIAM:   Let’s talk about that.  Let’s not judge it

It’s like the rain, or snow, that’s just how it is

ME: You are awesome

WILLIAM:  You feel like hating him, let’s explore why

ME: I guess because I imagine he must feel the same way I do… I lie to myself and say “how can I have such strong feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate?”

I imagine there’s some strong magnetic force between us, and it seems impossible that he doesn’t feel it too

And then I convince myself he’s lying – that he really does love me, he’s just afraid to admit it

WILLIAM: Suppose he doesn’t feel that way — what does that idea do to you?

ME:  It really hurts (tears)

It makes me feel crazy…

Like I can’t trust myself

Like “Jesus Sara – how did you make up that whole fantasy in your head and convince yourself it was real?

WILLIAM:  That’s what most human beings do, all the time

In a sense, we create a fantasy character for every person we know, including ourselves

ME:  True

I guess what hurts is I felt like I had a glimpse of the divine having sex with him… I wanted to go deeper into that place with him, but he was afraid

WILLIAM:   Please tell me more about that

ME:  I’ve just never experienced anything like the sex I had with him before

It’s like a truly religious experience having sex with him

It’s like I go to another plane of existence, for like 10 minutes of orgasm at a time

But he refuses to have sex with me… He holds out for 2 or 3 months at a time

I feel like I’ll die if he doesn’t take me there again

I’m afraid I won’t find that kind of connection again… I know I will, maybe even a stronger one… The rational me says there are 7 billion people in the world with whom I can connect, surely I’m sexually compatible with more than just one!

Please don’t diagnose me as a sex addict

WILLIAM:  Oh wow, I see, that IS something

Sex addict NEVER occurred to me, not at all

I actually haven’t had any negative thoughts about you that I can recall

Lets explore your theology here a bit

When you assume specific conditions are needed to meet God or to be  “there,” you unconsciously push God – or grace – out of what doesn’t  match that concept

The search for God assumes the absence of God

ME: That’s deep

WILLIAM:  “I love that Ben loves me however much  he loves me or doesn’t, and I respect his path wherever that leads,  whether or not, or however, it includes me” — try that

ME:  You’re a genius, William, I will

Thank you



  1. […] holding onto my best friend, Brad, but says he can’t handle it. I thought Ben and I were falling in love, (click here to access this secret post) but he denies it. He holds on to the fairy tale that you […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *