An Inconvenient Truth

img_0046-1I have to break the news to Brad today that I had sex with Ben again the other night.

I don’t normally keep secrets from him. I’ve always told him by morning if I’ve been intimate with Ben. But it happened right after a pretty traumatic event for Brad Saturday night (which I’ve written about in a secret post) and there hasn’t been a good opportunity to tell him in the last 48 hours.

Ben and I hadn’t had sex for at least three months before that, and Brad was just getting comfortable and secure in our new monogamish phase.

“You had sex with Ben again last night, didn’t you?” Brad has asked every week or so over those three months, anxiously anticipating the day mine and Ben’s dry spell would be broken.

“No, Brad… why do you keep asking me that? You know we don’t do that anymore,” I’d say.

None of us knew why Ben and I weren’t having sex anymore. It just happened. Ben and I jokingly blamed it on the fact that most of the time we couldn’t stand each other. We fight like a bitter old couple – but more passionately – about every stupid little thing we can think to fight about. No matter what I say, Ben plays devil’s advocate. We debate things like whether “silicone” is a naturally occurring mineral (I lost that one, it’s silicon) until we are blue in the face.

Brad’s always said the reason we fight so much is because we are sexually frustrated with each other. As much as I’ve denied it, I think it’s partially true. Because whenever we’ve had sex in our past 12 months living together, we’re temporarily nice to each other for a couple of days (including yesterday and the day before).

But what Ben and I have also subconsciously taken note of over the last year is every time we have sex, Brad is sullen, angry and distant for several days, which is why I’ve been terrified to tell him about this latest episode.

As Ben’s best friend and the love of my life thus far, neither of us want to see Brad in such pain. So we’ve suppressed our sexual attraction to and desire for one another (yes, I’m telling you how you feel again Ben 😉 ) to one degree or another since the beginning, and entirely for the last three months.

It seemed to be benefiting mine and Brad’s relationship. He seemed to feel safe again. In the absence of triggers for his anger, insecurity and fear of abandonment, he started to trust me again and open up more emotionally. We started becoming more intimate emotionally and sexually. We started having the best sex of our lives.

And this is why it’s going to be so confusing for him when I tell him I still want to have a sexual and romantic relationship with Ben.

We were just starting to heal our relationship. We were just starting to get closer than ever. Brad was working so hard to undo his fear of intimacy and to be emotionally available for me. I was working to be a better listener to encourage him to communicate. Things were good. Really good. Why did I have to go and mess them up? I know he’s going to think that, because I’ve already thought it on and off over the last couple of days.

But why does it have to be this way? Why does all the intimacy and trust Brad and I have worked for have to be shattered just because I want to be sexually and romantically intimate with more than one man?

I love them both, the same way (well not the same way) I would love two children. I love Brad like an older child, whom I’ve watched and known and grown with for 6.5 years, and Ben like a baby, whom I’m still getting to know after a year of life together.

Ben won’t admit he loves me, but in a way, I know he does. Even if it’s not romantically, I know he thinks of me, Brad and our daughter as family.

I know it’s an uncomfortable and inconvenient truth – it’s just as uncomfortable for me as it is for Brad and Ben – but I can’t stop feeling the way I feel.

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