Why I Can’t Leave

I guess it basically comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing the familiar. Fear of hurting him. Fear of being alone. Fear of hurting my daughter. Fear of losing my identity. Fear of freedom. Because, my friend was right – it’s easier to be a slave.

I’m a really well-treated slave… compared to other slaves throughout history. I live in a beautiful home, share a nice vehicle and eat better food than most wealthy people in this country. I get to stay home with my daughter and put her in private preschool 8 hours a week. I have an i-phone that doesn’t even have a cracked screen and a new computer bought on my partner’s credit.

I could part with most of that. The hard part is leaving two men I love and have grown accustomed to. The unbearable part is how it might negatively effect my daughter. Not only would she have to split time between her dad and I – removing her from my physical presence longer than either she or I could bear – I might have to get “a real job” which would force me to spend even more time away from her.

That last point has been the last thread holding Brad and I together several times.

Also, I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I had three boyfriends before Brad – all of them broke up with me. It’s really a good thing they did, because weren’t great matches for the long term. But I couldn’t see that then. I was just so addicted to the feeling of being in love, I couldn’t see past it.

If I couldn’t break up with them, how can I break up with the father of my child? I created life with him… permanent life… half his blood and half my blood, mixed for countless generations.

When I look at her face, I see him. They have the same eyes and cheeks and mouth. She loves him – doesn’t get to see him enough – but loves him when he’s around.

And I love him. He’s my best friend. I haven’t stayed close to anyone this long… No one else has grown with me, in the same direction, for this long.

So, why do I want to leave again? Damn it! I don’t know. After sorting out my thoughts on the screen, it sounds like I have it pretty freaking good.

I guess I’m trying to live up to my lofty principles. I want to copy Osho and say “freedom is my ultimate value” – I want to push the limits of everything and do whatever I want. I want to go be “successful” and make a lot of money on my own, just to prove to Brad that I can. I want to prove I don’t need to be dependent on him.

I want to be polyamorous and free – free to explore countless connections, whether physical, intellectual, emotional and/or spiritual. I want to find partners who are willing to go deeper with me into my sexual and spiritual journey – who aren’t content to sit around playing sports in virtual reality.
 
I want to live in a more communal setting, an intentional community I guess – where there are more opportunities to find people to go on that journey with me. I want to see myself mirrored in more people, so I can get a more balanced, clearer picture of who I am.
 
I want everyone in the community to love and take care of each other and not fight over money, chores and every other stupid thing. I want everyone in the community to feel both secure and free. I don’t want anyone to stop growing because they feel trapped by someone else’s jealousy.
 
I want to do that with Brad and Ben, but they don’t seem to have any desire to go on that kind of journey with me.

I guess I’m back to Teal Swan’s advice again – just keep doing what I want and see if they come along for the ride.

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