The Insatiable Woman

I came across this blog post about how “men want sex more than women,” right at the end of my 33-Day Masturbation Challenge.

In it, author of the blog “Sexy, Conscious, Awake” Kelly Marceau argues most men enjoy, want and need sex more than most women. She also argues that “unlike women, men are not monogamous” – that they have this “inconvenient, but natural” need to have sex with lots of women:

If you can accept that most men are more sexual than you then you can begin to understand men instead of judging them. In all reality it might not be too bad for you to up the anty so your man stays in the zone of feeling ALIVE and FIREY. It will benefit both of you and you won’t run into as many problems as you would if you just want to deny the nature of men.

MEN SHOULDN’T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LIKING SEX, WANTING IT, AND DELIGHTING IN BEAUTY AND THE GORGEOUS WOMEN OF THE WORLD just so some women can feel better about their opposing need for sex in comparison to men or lack of desire for several men.

Here’s the real deal ladies, there are different kinds of guys in this world. There are men who will always crave, and always want more than one woman no matter how much they love you, and there are men who require safety, security, routine, consistency, and home-life more than the wild men who don’t want to nest. If you find yourself attracted to bad boys or wild men, just like wild horses you can’t expect them to be domesticated. You have to understand the nature of the man you attract and why. If you want a man who doesn’t need to fuck a lot of women, find a domesticated man or a man who shares the same values as you.

Men are a mixed lot and I don’t believe that most men are monogamous by nature. Men choose monogamy to have an experience with one woman, and hopefully those men have fucked a lot of women before they find that special person they want to nest with.

You might not like what I have had to say here, but unless you have yourself a ‘special alien of a man’ who isn’t wired like most men, you might want to listen.

Understand the nature of men, so you don’t get shocked by the truth you don’t want to see.

While I think Marceau is halfway to grasping the truth on this matter in that MOST MEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS, her implicit assumptions that “MOST WOMEN ARE MONOGAMOUS” and that “WOMEN DON’T WANT AS MUCH SEX” have me reeling and wanting to pull my hair out.

My story

I have to admit when I first considered opening up my relationship with Brad, a big part of my motivation was to keep him happy in hopes of improving my chances of him sticking around.

I had this newfound understanding of “Why Men Cheat” after reading the book Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships.

Part of it is most of them are not monogamous (neither are most women) and the other part is they are especially driven sexually, to the point where they can become physically ill from dropping testosterone levels, due to low libido, due to lack of sexual novelty.

Instead of leaving “my” man no option for getting his sexual needs met other than cheating, I decided I’d do like the Polynesian women in the book did and encourage my “husband” to find a few novel lovers to reinvigorate his desire for me.

I was so focused on keeping him interested in me and making him want me again, I never even asked myself whether I still wanted him. According to my conditioning, I was supposed to want him and only him, so if the passion was fading, it was from his lack of desire, not mine, I told myself.

A year and a half into our open relationship, I now understand that’s actually not how I’m genetically wired. According to Sex at Dawn, females crave sexual novelty at least as much as males, and have a sex drive/capacity for multiple orgasms that could wear out dozens of males in a row. (See my posts: “I am Bonobo Woman, Hear Me Moan” and “The Myth of the Coy Female and The Origins of Slut Shaming.”)

The Sexual Compatibility of Women and Men

Like Marceau, I am not arguing that men and women’s sexual drives/needs are the SAME. I am just calling bullshit on the cultural myth she is parroting to women – “men are more sexual than you.”

The only major difference between male and female sex drives – according to Sex at Dawn, my recent experiences, and stories from women in my secret poly Facebook group – is that females require LONG, LONG, LONG sexual sessions and LOTS of back-to-back, lengthy orgasms to get anywhere close to satisfaction, while males seem less motivated to stay engaged in one “episode” of sex that long.

Sure, a man might be recharged and ready to go with a novel lover every day or every few hours, but a woman is physically able and often driven (if her drive hasn’t been culturally repressed) to take up to dozens of lovers at a time.

I understood theoretically that females are sexually insatiable when I wrote “I am Bonobo Woman.” But after my 33-day masturbation challenge – in which I challenged myself to masturbate everyday for 33 days to supplement the orgasms I was getting from the two men in my house – I know it is true in fact. And I’ve heard from at least a dozen women now who’ve had similar lengthy, multi-orgasmic experiences… it’s only left them wanting more.

These female friends of mine and I can confirm that it is not only possible, but extremely desirable (and slightly addictive) to have sex for an hour, or two, or three, or more, while experiencing so many orgasms that they all start running together into a 30-minute (or longer) climb up Mount Everest. Each time you reach a new peak, you realize there’s a higher one up ahead.

And we can also tell you that is extremely frustrating when we constantly hear this propaganda about “women not wanting sex as much as men” – especially from a blogger claiming to be sexually “conscious and awake.”

Saying “women DON’T want it as much” is like saying “women SHOULDN’T want it as much”

The reason it’s frustrating is it propagates the Victorian-era “coy female” myth and leaves the door wide open for “slut” shaming to continue. I know firsthand how convincing the cultural conditioning can be. After hearing messages like Marceau’s over and over and over again, I went into all four of my long-term relationships believing them – “I am not supposed to want sex as much as men. If they don’t want it as often or long as I do , something’s wrong with me. I need to pretend I don’t want it. Play hard to get. Act like you could take it or leave it. Don’t let on you want it, or you’ll come across desperate and needy and turn him off even more.”

Other “truths” Marceau claims about men and women:

* Men think about sex at least once a day or several times a day. Women can go days without thinking about sex or needing it.

* Men masturbate more than women … Most men masturbate at least once a day. Most women masturbate once a week.

Again, infuriating! Please don’t tell me I can “go days without thinking about or needing sex” or that I only “masturbate once a week.”  I understand she is speaking in generalizations, and I even know, to some degree, what she’s saying used to be true of me. But I honestly believe now that was because of my conditioning. Now that I’ve freed my mind and body, I think about sex ALL THE TIME, and if I had the opportunity to masturbate or have sex as often as I thought about it, I would.

In fact, I had trouble writing this post earlier because all I could think about was sex. I want it ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Something’s been awakened in me, and I can’t turn it off. I can’t slow it down. It’s like a runaway train. Gaining speed. Gaining momentum. And I get the feeling that scares people.

I’m still not sure where I’m going, and I didn’t have any big, “aha” moment at the end of my masturbation challenge, like I was hoping. But I know it’s a helluva fun journey, and I just wanted to tell other women on this journey, not to listen to the propaganda anymore.

Don’t “up your ante” sexually to please your man and keep him from cheating, “up the ante” for yourself to see how much pleasure you’re capable of. Don’t try to “domesticate your man” or envy his “wildness” – re-wild yourself! Taste and see that sex is good 😉

I’ll end with a quote by Mark Twain about the ludicrous belief that women are less sexually driven than men:

“Now there you have a sample of man’s “reasoning powers,” as he calls them. He observes certain facts. For instance, that in all his life he never sees the day that he can satisfy one woman; also, that no woman ever sees the day that she can’t overwork, and defeat, and put out of commission any ten [men] that can be put to bed to her. He puts those strikingly suggestive and luminous facts together, and from them draws this astonishing conclusion: The Creator intended the woman to be restricted to one man.” ~ Letters from the Earth

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