The Fight

6558798_f260Brad and I aren’t speaking right now. He told me this morning he’s not in love with me.

He just told me he “really does love me” last week, so I don’t know which one is a lie.

Regardless, I’ve spent all afternoon searching for a job. Even if he changes his mind again tomorrow, I’ve taken it as a last-straw omen that it’s time for me to become financially independent. I’m not going to do anything rash, but I need to be in a position to leave at anytime. I have no intention of living long-term with – or being business partners with – an ex-lover.

I don’t even know what happened. I’m tempted to believe he doesn’t really mean it. In my mind, he loves me as well as he could love anyone. I’m tempted to think my recent interest in dating was a trigger for him.

He was thrilled about his new-found freedom in polyamory a couple of weeks ago. But several rejections and a couple of date-proposals-to-me later, he’s suddenly and without explanation “not in love with me” anymore.

To be fair, he’s tried to talk about it several times since he said it this morning, but those words have been a trigger for me since my first boyfriend said them to me when I was 18. I don’t think I’ll be ready to speak to him for a while, so all I can do is speculate as to what prompted his daggers.

Maybe he’s afraid of me rejecting him, so he’s trying to reject me first?

Maybe he has unmet sexual and emotional intimacy needs he’s not even aware of. Maybe he’s frustrated that they’re not getting met, so he’s taking it out on me?

Maybe he’s angry that other women have been rejecting him (even though I’ve explained to him it’s more likely polyamory than him they are rejecting), and he blames me?

I have no idea, but I know it’s not the surface-level crap he’s blaming it on.

All I do know is I’m more compatible with him than anyone I’ve ever met, that I love him with all my heart, and that he’s truly my best friend in the entire world.

So, I’m using the power of positive thinking and believing this is just a bump in the road.

 

Comments

  1. I really hope you can fix thing a with Brad. Before all this new stuff it seemed like you had a good relationship. Your daughter will always appreciate you for this.

  2. Maybe it’s he’s a complete selfish tool? Clearly, he loves the idea of going to town on others, but doesn’t like the idea of the mother of his daughter doing the same. He does it, it’s trendy. You do it, it’s whitefish.

  3. […] devastating words – “I’m falling out of love with you” – haunted me for the next dozen years. I’d learned to play hard-to-get harder than ever. “Pretend […]