Starting Fresh

I’m supposed to be working, but blogging in my public “diary” feels therapeutic right now. I feel like I’ve been caught up in a tornado all week and just got set back down on solid ground. My legs are still wobbly.

The tornado began last Sunday when Brad dropped a last-minute date on me and refused to tell me anything about it. It was good practice for me, the meddler, to be alone and to not know everything, but I was still bitter about the harsh delivery of his news and the coldness of his “goodbye.”

After I ignored him most of Monday morning, he finally shared some details. I was happy for him, and felt attracted to him again.

Tuesday, it was back to work, stress and fighting. By the afternoon, we’d decided to break up again (he almost left the week before). He told me he hated me, said we needed to find separate places to live, and didn’t come home after work that night.

Apparently he’d asked Carrie to stop by the truck, so they could have a couple of drinks after work and mess around in her car, which would’ve been fine if he’d told me he was going to be late and hadn’t just told me he wanted to break up with me.

When he got home at 2 am, he interrupted my chastisement of him with a tear-filled rant of his own about how crappy I’d made him feel lately. He’d read some private messages about how amazing sex with Ben was getting, and how hard it had been for me to get into sex with him lately, because of all of our baggage. He felt rejected, unloved and undesired. “You don’t want me anyway, so why do you care where I was, or who I was with?” he said.

Suddenly my murderous rage turned to empathy for his broken heart. I sat, cried and stared at the wall, while he went to sleep on the couch.

Carrie

Wednesday morning we worked up the energy to have a calmer, more empathetic conversation, causing him to miss his brunch date with Carrie. I cried and told him how sorry I was for all the pain I’d caused him over the last three months, since I started sleeping with Ben. I told him I finally understood how he felt.

While Brad finally got things sorted out with me, things were starting to fall apart with her. She sat waiting for him at the salt cave, probably getting angrier and angrier, as I had the night before.

He apologized and asked if he could reschedule for the afternoon. She said no.

And then she found my blog…

Brad had told her we were in an open relationship and that I blogged about polyamory, but was pretty vague about it. He wasn’t exactly dishonest, but, because she seemed skeptical about it, he played up the negative aspects of polyamory and made it sound like he was about to give up on the lifestyle himself. He told her how hard it had been for him, that it had been my idea, and that it wasn’t really working out.

It was true we’d been fighting a lot and had almost broken up a handful of times in recent weeks, but he led her to believe it was more “over” than it actually was – like it was inevitable that we’d eventually part ways, and it was just a matter of logistics for our daughter’s sake… which might’ve given her hope for a potential monogamous future with him.

So she was shocked and angry when she saw my latest post about how we were working things out.

“I screwed up,” Brad told, me looking defeated. “It’s over.”

He knew he should’ve been more up front with her, but he didn’t want to scare her off. He’d been totally open about being poly in the past, and time after time, it burned him.

I imagine part of him wanted to break her into the idea slowly, and the other part of him really was ready to throw in the towel and make his debut back on the monogamous dating scene.

Either way, she was pissed and didn’t want to see him again. I told him not to give up hope. “Her feelings are just hurt,” I said. “She wants to know she’s special. She wants to know she’s worth the effort of winning her back. Just let her sleep on it.”

And sure enough, she messaged him Thursday saying she had to admit she was a little curious about this crazy “new” lifestyle of his, and said she had purchased Sex at Dawn!

I was ecstatic for him. “You’re back in!” I said. He talked her into lunch, and then she ended up coming to our house last night to meet me and Ben.

When I saw her, I almost had to pinch myself to make sure it wasn’t some kind of weird dream. A fair-skinned, red-headed Scorpio, I felt like I was looking in the mirror and talking to myself! She was super cool and totally more open-minded than Brad had given her credit for. She helped Brad do some cooking while I washed dishes. Brad and Ben sat smiling and exchanging inside jokes in their heads, while Carrie and I did all the talking.

I have to admit it was super awkward, just as it is every time I meet a woman Brad’s dating, but I revel in awkwardness and don’t waste a drop. We’d been drinking, so I had Ben light the fire for Brad and Carrie, while I made up the spare bed, just in case. I couldn’t help but catch glimpses of them cuddling on the couch as I scurried around the house. Brad asked the next day if it made me jealous. “Wildly,” I said. “But I LOVE it!”

She said she couldn’t spend the night, and then Brad and her stepped out for some “fresh air” – aka, a quick make out session in her car before she left.

Totally turned on by the whole scenario, I spent the next hour trying to talk Brad and Ben into a threesome, but they would have no part in it. So I settled for a few hours in Ben’s bed and the rest of the night in ours.

Can’t wait to see what happens next!

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