“What would it take for you to want to go back to monogamy?” Brad asked me, jokingly, the other day. “What would I have to do?”
“Promise to give me all the attention and sex I need and never get tired of me,” I smirked.
“Hmm… let’s stick to polyamory,” he said, remembering what a tall order that was when we were monogamous.
I know lots of the psycho-analyst types out there are chomping at the bit to tell me how codependent I am and how my “needs” for emotional affection, physical touch, hugs and sex are “too much.” They want to tell me I’m broken somehow. That I should learn to be alone. That I should learn to fill the void with God or Love or Myself.
My mom liked to call my “sex-crazed” father a “bottomless pit of needs.” No amount of sex or women could’ve filled it, she said. Only the love of God could. If he could just accept the man in the sky’s intangible love, he’d stop being so “needy” and wouldn’t need the physical love of so many women.
Knowing what I know now, I’m ready to call complete bullshit on that.
Like Osho said, I think it’s the exact opposite. You can’t fulfill your spiritual needs until your physical needs are met. Give a man all the nutritious food, clean water and sex he needs. Only once he is satisfied in those departments is he free to start thinking of deeper things. Only then is he able to sit in solitude, to fast and be celibate – to look inside of himself and think about who he really is.
And of course, as I’ve argued at length before, it’s very difficult – perhaps impossible – for humans (or animals in general) to get all of their sexual needs met by one person over the course of their entire lifetime.
I disagree with people who imply my “neediness” and loneliness are unhealthy. I think we evolved living communally – and I think close-knit communal living works best when there is sexual openness, as opposed to exclusivity. Maybe you’ve evolved past that and are able to live in monogamy or isolation. I haven’t and don’t believe most people have. Don’t take it personally.
And to all of the people who are saying I’m invalidating the experience of asexuals, I’m not. I don’t doubt it when people say they are not sexually attracted to other humans for a period of time. I’m not even going to pretend to understand all of the psychological reason behind this. And I’m sure there is a spectrum of asexuality (even though when literally translated it means “not” or “non” sexual). I’m just going to say that it was sexual energy that created these people, and it’s in their DNA to be sexual creatures, even if it’s been buried deep down for a long time.
Also, for those of you who say I’m projecting my feelings, desires and needs onto everyone else – everyone does this. It’s normal and healthy to try to universalize our experience, to make sure we are not crazy. Sure we all need different things to different degrees, but our basic needs are all the same. We’re all human. We are fragments of the same entity.